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Movie Ratings

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Read that post first!

(As much as the webmaster is trying to eliminate vulgarities and offensive words from his posts, the style in which this post is written prevents him from doing so. There are a number of offensive words in this post and the webmaster kindly warns his readers to approach them with an open mind.)

Ever ventured into the theaters, only to be appalled by the ratings that has been set by the media authority of your country? An hour of travel time and 7 minutes of walking wasted; confirmed by the sheer value of the numbers that reside beside the alphabets "N" and "C". You're only 15. It is only 2 days before your birthday. The movie's show time ends tomorrow. "Shucks," you exclaimed. You crept up on the queue, your slender body ever so agile to maneuver around the perpetual line, reaching the end-zone without a drop of sweat. You then executed an array of words with the cashier, first predefining the conversation with a plan so ingenious, your English grades just do not serve justice.

"Hello, good evening sir, you look very handsome. May I have a ticket for Hannah Montana: Sensual Stage?"

"Sir, may I see your IC?"

"I lost it."

"Then you can't buy the tickets, sir."

"FUCK."

"Oh, you know that word? Here is your ticket then."

Okay, that event is unlikely in real life. But you must understand. You cant just go in and watch a movie that is highly disgusting or violent. Your eyes just cant take it. You need to mature. To learn. To educate oneself with the proper knowledge before entering the screens that assault you with a barrage of pieces of shit.

So here are Singapore's movie ratings, as set by MDA:-

1) General.

These movies can be seen by anyone. Everyone will accept it, generally. These movies have the widest possible scope of audience ranging from adults, senior citizens, teenagers, toddlers and fetuses. But that carries a negative side to it. Will a teenager react the same way as a senior citizen? Will babies react the same way as homosexuals? Will minahs react the same way as mats?

2) Parental Guidance.

These movies can be seen by anyone. Well, with at least a parent beside you. It is better if you can bring all 3 of your parents. You might ask: "Why need a parent to guide me?" Well, movies are complicated. So many things jump right into your eyes! YOU SIAO ARH YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEE SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE?!?!?! MAT SIAL~

You need parents to slowly guide you through the story line:-

3) No Children - 16 (NC16)

(The upcoming paragraph has a lot of dots.)

OH YEAH MAN, I AM GETTING SOOOO EXCITED NOW. Oh, in the next paragraph, it is all about the wonders of life... the joy of living... the greatness of eternity. Everyone waits for their time in life to watch such movies that are rated so high, so maturely...

These movies can only be seen by those 16 years old or older. Not younger, but older. These movies are the Best in the west. The Beast of the East. The Broth of the North. The Cough of the South. The Broth Broth Beast of the North North East.

So why are these movies rated as such? The women in these movies wear very little clothes. The man like to touch them. Also, the knives that they hold will be used to cut another person's arm off his body to the point that blood will flood the floor of their house. The body of that guy will be dragged across the hall, then thrown into a rubbish chute where the man will be left to cry for help, helplessly. That guy will now decompose until no one can recognize him. Not even Mas Selamat. This is totally different from watching Teletubies jump around in small little hills, bro~

The picture below is a picture of a woman trying to suffocate her baby.

On another note, I just don't know why we as students got so excited when we were 14~15 years old about finally getting to watch NC16 movies when we reach 16 years old. The movies aren't so explicit as it sounds. A girl who touches another guy would have made a once-decent movie an NC16 one just by that 30 second clip. We waited 16 years FOR THIS?!

That was why...

R21 was created.

4) Restricted-21 (R21)

R21 is the pinnacle of entertainment. The apex of joy. The peak of delight. The summit of jubilance. The cup of tea.

While every post in this blog is discreet about pornographic materials, the pictures below are fully pornographic. This is the only part of this site that most readers here cant view. In fact, I cant even look at it. I had to type "R21 pictures" on Google's image search engine and randomly pick one of them while closing my eyes.

The picture is shown below. Scroll slowly.

I myself have not watched any R21 movies. I am not 21 years old or older. I am decent. Kind. Innocent. Yet to be corrupted by pollutants. Standing outside cinemas, you can see the effect that the movies have on babies. Their expressions on their faces portray a dilapidated scene. In another words, their faces are screwed. Here are the photographs that I took with my Canon DSLR.