A few weeks ago, I posted something on Britney Spears, the woman who do not thinks that she is not a female, and therefore, not a girl and a woman altogether. After completing her Basic Military Training (BMT) , came across my blog and was furious.
This is the email she sent to me.
--------------------
From: britneycutie92@hotmail.com To: afiq980@gmail.com
Subject: You son of a bitch.
How dare you insult me like that!!! Not only have you spoilt my reputation, you have exposed my breast enhancing secrets and my health problems. I love being a botak-head and I have received many invitations to join several gangs, including the Skin Head. Afiq, you are not popular, you are just a blogger who sits down all day long on your couch and sleep. For me, I attend parties after parties, the Grammy Awards and other awards, how about you?
Your blog is the suckiest blog I have EVER seen. It is probably the worse blog in the world. There is too much nonsense in your blog, making it very....nonsensical. Your name, "afiq" is the worse name I have ever seen. The template of this blog is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. In fact, you are the worse thing I have ever seen.
--------------------
I replied.
--------------------
From: afiq980@gmail.com To: britneycutie92@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: You son of a bitch.
I didnt. I was telling the truth. In fact, you are the worse NS men I have ever seen. In fact, you cannot hold a rifle, the rifle holds you. I am not invited the gang because I have hair, unlike you, you have nothing on your head, you wax your head until there is so much glare. You can become a monk if you like.
Today, I will be discouraging you, as usual, with my latest books, titled: "I am stupid, so are you!!!" and also "Secrets of self-made millionaires". The two books speaks about why people lose money and why many people commit suicide and become emo, cut themselves, and then, start to kill their family members.
Extracts from "I am stupid, so are you!!!":-
" People are stupid because their parents are stupid. As you know, their genes will be passed on to you, and you have no choice but to be stupid. This also applies to rabbits, but I wont touch on that, its probably too complicated for you. "
" You have to be clever, when your friend slap you, call SPCA, he is an animal. "
" The education system is smart, they divide everyone into three. Clever, stupid and retard. "
This book will help your relatives be realistic and not be self-absorbed into those fiction books that speaks about the Earth being round, or those nonsense on medicines. The truth is the truth and no one can run away from it. So, buy it now.
ONLY S$199.90!!!
An extract from "Secrets of self-made millionaires":-
" There are many ways to become a millionaire. Popular ones includes drug trafficking, drink driving and also robbing. Bill Gates, a guy who have a lot of money, used his mother's NETS card, and transfer her funds into his account. Now, he is a multi billionaire, but he is a loser, dont worry. "
This book explains on the factors that creates millionaires and also to tell the reader the truth on making big bucks. The book contains secrets, so, you are not allowed to tell your friends about the content.
So, buy it now.
FOR ONLY S$ 99.89!!!
The writer nor publisher is responsible for any deaths or injuries deriving from any acts that the books encourage. The books are to blame. It is not the writer's or the publisher's fault. The bookshops that sold the books are also to blame. In fact, the trees that made the paper is also to blame. This applies to every person that reads the books.
"Anything arh..." - Ataru (a better name than LAN)
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Erm, interesting. Recently, there is a new advertising campaign for the Whatever and Anything canned drinks. I got to admit it, the concept is great. Their advertising efforts have paid off, but, mine is better, WWWAAAYYY better than theirs. My ads will attract everyone from the public, and the demand for Whatever and Anything will increase, and thus, their substitutes will have a lack of demand.
Here it goes:-
----------------------------
Want something that you have always wanted?
Every feel that something is missing in your heart?
Look no further!!! Here, you can get Whatever and Anything you want!!! With 6 different flavours that we wont tell, you will have something to enjoy!!! Why drink Coca-cola, Pepsi or Ice Lemon Tea, when you can have Anything and Whatever you have wanted!!!
With that, we have made several printed ads to be shown to the public at 450 bus stops!!!
After several weeks, we have also created an animated advertisement to be broadcasted to the public on television!!!
So, now, do you want Anything and Whatever for a drink?
Recently, my school had an SYF showing off period during assembly on Wednesday. Well, it was great, except for the fact that I did not understand I single thing the Drama club was trying to convey to me except for the fact that the actors look like rabbits and a guy had an imaginary guy who is destroying the guys' life.
Band was good. Malay dance was good. Indian dance was good. Drama was somehow misunderstood. Choir was good.
CHINESE DANCE was marvelous.
With their sexy costume, feminine build and graceful movements they set off on stage, entertaining the already bored audience. Their pretty faces literally moving the eyes of the audience. Bright red costumes danced around the platform. Postures changed. Sleepy eyes opened. Suddenly, the crowd became active. Tension grew.
Expected. Chinese dance won a Silver Medal in the recent SYF competition. There are several theories and suggestions on why they won Silver when their choreography was a bit messy. But one suggestion was the most popular. The costume.
As you know, their costume do not cover their belly. In fact, that exposure distracts the audience, but it also brings beauty. The bigger the gap, the better. The better it is, the more chances of them getting a Gold medal and the honours they wanted so much.
But there is always a limit. Too much is too much. Too little is too little. With that, I made a graph on based on the results and the expectation of the SYF competition.
Remember the post on Pack rats? Two days ago, I took a bag, turn my room upside down, and throw all the crap away. But one bag wasn't enough, I needed three bags. It is like rubbish being rearranged around my room, invisible from the naked lazy human eyes.
I found some rather interesting stuff I did years ago. One of them is a file I "vandalized", where I wrote some stupid crap phrases on it with a black name marker.
Another one is a picture taken when I was secondary 1, along with Jing Jie, Leon and Wilkins during Jing Jie's birthday "party" where only four people attend.
Now, my room from the first look, is almost the same, but looking at the cabinets and stuff, it is more tidy and much more space is available for more crap, which I will throw later on in my life.
Wankers are people who masturbates. Wanker is an English word by the way, maybe not in the Oxford dictionary, but it is in my dictionary. In fact, it is the fourth most insulting word in the English language:-
Saddam
Homework
Fuck
Wank
Wankers are a very interesting bunch of people. They are said to have no friends, no relatives and they do not have a PSP. Contrary to popular beliefs, wankers are said to have an IQ below 7. These are the top wankers on Earth:-
Bill Gates (IQ: 4)
Vinod (IQ: 5)
Saloma (IQ: 2.345)
Britney spear (IQ: 1)
Taufik Batisah (IQ: negative 3.14, he got his name wrong.)
There are several ways to spot wankers:-
1) They do this in class:-
2) They seem to not be desperate. Their temptations are met and achieved at home, in their room, in front of the television behind the door. This is one of the reason why most of your friends cannot go out with you............
You: Eh, want to go out and PLAY soccer? Your friend: Oh, sorry, I doing my homework and got to study, my mother do not allow me to go out anyway, sorry. You: Eh, please... Your friend: [Disconnected tone]
3) Their palms are as smooth as silk. Read it again if you dont understand what I mean. You have to know what is wanking, the art behind wanking, and the history of wanking, oh wait, it should be in all the holy books you can find, it started with Adam and his wife, Saddam Hussein.
4) They do not feel anything when you show them a picture of a bikini babe, a disgusting picture for most non-wankers. It is called desensitization, by the way.
5) Wankers have a very similar face to Taufik Batisah, our beloved and first Singapore Idol, who won because his fans are rich and can afford to pay hundreds of dollars to vote for him. Diagram:-
My house seems very tidy. No wires on the tables, no crap on the floor, no books everywhere. But when you look closely, as in, when you open the cupboards, it is all there. All my items are everywhere IN the cupboards. I dont seem to throw it all away. Even worse, the items are not even mine, they belong to my siblings!!!
Oh my god. Do you have the syndrome? Many people have it, I think. Go to your nearest cupboard, open it, list the items, then, write down whether you have used it the past few months or is the items as good as a tomb (for your relatives). Assuming that you are a pack rat, I will insult you.
Pack rats, or those who "collects" unnecessarily, are space wasters. They contribute to the spatial constraint in Singapore. They are the top wankers, posers and actors in the real world. In fact, after thinking about this for so long, I feel that there are a few reasons why I, or you, is/are a pack rat.
1) You THINK you are going to use the items
Looking at the items, you pick it up, look at it, then ask yourself: "I think I am going to use this", then you happily place the item back to where you found it. Most common problem. I experience this whenever I try to tidy up my room.
2) It LOOKS too nice, or, it is too valuable
I have this briefcase full of wrestling and yu-gi-oh cards, and it had been sitting there for a long time. Long long long time. It is too valuable to throw them away, but its too useless now to keep them. Somehow, as an Afiq, my hands shiver whenever I tried to throw them away or when I think of giving them to my friends.
3) It is nice HAVING the items
Well, without those items, one would think that they dont have much to do. But, after they think, they realized that they have not been using them every since. Damn it. I fell to this trick too many time already. In fact, my room is getting messier by the weeks.
Which is why, tomorrow, hopefully, I will take a plastic bag, enter my room, and throw everything unnecessary away.
Dont believe weather forecasts. It is a total hoax. As in, seriously, it is a total hoax. This few people, have nothing to do. Because of that, they stare at clouds, measure how much rain water drop into their cups. These assholes, take our money (taxes), tell us their measurements, and not all of them are real.
Do you know what happened before Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans? This is what happened:-
And then, a hurricane hit New Orleans. Sad, real sad, thousands of innocent people died. Is this the kind of people you want to be giving you useless information everyday, in the newspapers, websites and even cartoons that your children watch everyday?
This is what happened before the Boxing Day tsunami hit Sri Lanka:-
And then, all hell break lose.
A weather forecaster said:
imagine a rotating sphere that is 12,800 kilometers (8000 miles) in diameter, has a bumpy surface, is surrounded by a 40-kilometer-deep mixture of different gases whose concentrations vary both spatially and over time, and is heated, along with its surrounding gases, by a nuclear reactor 150 million kilometers (93 million miles) away. Imagine also that this sphere is revolving around the nuclear reactor and that some locations are heated more during one part of the revolution and other locations are heated during another part of the revolution. And imagine that this mixture of gases continually receives inputs from the surface below, generally calmly but sometimes through violent and highly localized injections. Then, imagine that after watching the gaseous mixture, you are expected to predict its state at one location on the sphere one, two, or more days into the future. This is essentially the task encountered day by day by a weather forecaster. —On the difficulty of weather forecasting, Bob Ryan, Bulletin of the American Meteorological Society, 1982.
Afiq said:
Imagine me boxing your face, twice a day. Your face, which has a bumpy surface, hit by a nuclear reactor, fed by warm waters, is surrounded by a 30 kilometer pile of shit, where the concentration of your body is 80 percent shit and 20 percent water. You are expected to predict your state, 5, 6, or even 7 years in the future. This is essentially what you are doing now. -On Bob Ryan.
With that, I present you, my own weather forecast for this week.
Lets talk about people making impossible short forms in online conversations. You all may not received such messages before, but they exist. Super long sentences shorten into just one word. Amazing.
One such example:-
BTDTGTTSAWIO
Any guess? It means: "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and wore it out". What the hell. I thought it was "Botak Teenager Growing Tangible Genitals To Test Sexual Activities With Irritating Overweights"
Another:-
MTFBWY
Any guess? It means: "May the force be with you." In fact, this phrase is commonly used in Starwars!!!
Another:-
STYSOABYRSMBYAHIFYAWTM
It means: "Shut up you son of a b***h you really suck my balls you a**hole in fact you are worse than me." Commonly used to insult your relatives without them knowing. This works well when your parents are scolding you, and you just want to insult them in their face. Works well with almost everyone, except for faggots, which means that it doesnt work with President Bush and Osama Bin Laden.
Why the hell do they want to have such useless short forms? If this is legal, I would have short- form-a-tise my whole compo and get a full mark for perfect grammar and usage of words. This is applicable to ALL English teachers.
Recently, on the 23rd of April, a person died after 8 hours in front of her laptop, or her father's one, or who ever it is, from "deep vein thombosis", which really sound like crap. It sounds similar to "peep pain trombonist" or "pop music".
There may be several reasons to her death. Its not just DVT, it could be...
Death from falling over her chair.
There are several instances where people get killed from doing something which is unlikely to kill them, such as playing with the computer, or, playing with the Nintendo Wii:-
Yes, there is a limit to using something. Doing something for too long is always bad. I understand that this person had many stuffs to complete, but she had a blood clot on her leg, isnt that a signal for her to stop?
Good things come with sacrifice. I dont know what I mean. Ignore the sentence.
It is very sad. Someone dying from using the computer for too long. It could have been prevented, but that statement exists only after it is too late. Dont believe? :-
The 911 tragedy was plotted by a group of radicals, it could have been prevented.
The SARS outbreak killed many innocent people, it could have been prevented.
The accident happened at the second lane of the PIE leading to Jurong West, it could have been prevented.
I want to say, "it could have been prevented"
The point is, this person was horribly stupid. Let me rephrase that statement. The point is this person could have prevented her death by exercising her lower leg muscles, its bad to play computer for the whole day. I myself feel very tired after using the computer for a mere 2 hours. I am not used to staring at the screen for long periods of time, even though I know many thousand more spent forever trying to "level up" their characters on online games.
And I have the list of worse games:-
Maplestory
Warcraft: DOTA
Audition
O2Jam
I call them stupid because I saw and can see many of my friends wasting time on this games. The hours wasted on the animations played on the screen, pressing buttons continuously, wasting their parents money on prepaid cards. I feel so sad. Their relationship with their families will loosen, as shown in the next cartoon:-
Erm. Ok.
The article on the topic is at a URL. But since my blog dont allow foreign links, then I cant post it. Ok, kidding. It is at:-
hello?? DotA is not a bad game.. they require skill to play.. It is not retarded games like Maple where all u care abt are levels.. yeh dota has lvls but it restarts frm 1 in every new game. So you gotta earn ur levels depending on how gd u are. AND DotA is not juz abt levels.. Pls. Its more than that.. it requires many other skills like using fog of war and micro management in which most other RTS games require. I Don't suppose u think RTS games are also lousy games rite? And as for O2Jam.. That game is only stupid when people with no sense of rhythm play it.. Wad they R doing is just pressing buttons while looking at the bars fall downwards in the screen, hoping their timing is perfect, or maybe they just keep practising untill they can do it with the sound off. That is wad I call stupid. Yes.. O2jam IS stupid if u play it like that.
As for audition.. I have heard of how the gameplay is like, it sounds ok to me. But the problem with many of these MMORPGs or juz MMOGs is due to the pple who create the game needa make Money. So what do they do? They try to make it so "Addictive" and cause many freaks to keep playing and resort to buying Prepaid Cards. And soon the games become Stupid.
Note that DotA is not an MMORPG. It is a custom map of and RTS game called Warcraft III: Frozen Throne, as u have said. Currently the DotA that everyone plays is DotA Allstars, created by someone who nicknames him/herself Icefrog. This person doesn't really earn any money.. He's just constantly editing his DotA Allstars map, using ideas that people suggest at http://www.dota-allstars.com, and posting it on the internet for the public to download and play USING Warcraft III: Frozen Throne.
Apparently this map is so fun that many people are playing it online, using Blizzard's Online Gaming System: Battle.net, and also playing via LAN. Yea, the creator only gets satisfaction for creating this. You dun see some stupid popup advertising something like Lee Hwa Jewellery while playing, nor do u see propaganda posters/videos. Yes yes, I am a supporter of DotA Allstars. I used to play it last year and yea, its a really good game so pls do not insult it juz because of the many useless players that play it.
DotA - Defence of the Ancients RTS - Real Time Strategy MMORPG - Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games MMOG - Massive Multiplayer Online Games LAN - Local Area Network Just in case u didn't know =)
I didnt know that it was mother's day until one guy in the drive-thru said, "happy mother's day!!!". Seriously, I didnt know. what happened to the day when people worshiped their mother's on Mother's Day? I feel sad. We should all thank our parents for doing the stuff nine months before you came out, or for those orphans, thank them for taking you out from the child prison.
What are we going to do after Earth? (other than dying)
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Earth is dying. Global warming threatens to wet our floors. Melt our ice-cream, and also, causing us to switch on our air-conditioners longer, thus, wasting electricity. Earth is dying. I repeat. Earth is dying. I repeat, Earth is dying.
As such, we must have new ideas to counter this problem!!! We have the technology, we have the mindset, we have the resources, but, we have not anything yet. YET. I, Afiq, owner of fiqo.blogspot.com will present my ideas on countering this problem.
My solution is:- Space Travel.
The main problem on space travel is cost. It is super expensive. If you tap your ez link card on the machine inside the space shuttle, the machine will start insult you. I mean it. To solve this problem, all poor people will be given money by their government. Rich people must give some to the poor people.
Another problem is: Human Temptation
These are some human needs and wants:
Water
Oxygen
Sex, I mean, reproduction to prevent extinction
A Playstation Portable
For the water, they could bring water bottles into space. For oxygen, bring oxygen masks. For the third one, bring their girlfriend along, PROVIDED they do not have AIDS, HIV and bitchness. The fourth one, AKA, most important one, AKA, PSP, they could buy a PSP, then bring it along, PROVIDED they have the following games:
Starwars: The return of the Jedi Mutants
Space travel simulator
Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball
Another problem: Space travel is too long.
No one can survive more than 120 years, but, if you want to go to the nearest habitable planet, it takes "quite a while". So how? We go hibernation. Simple. We can fit all the astronauts into the fridge, freeze them, when they reach, we put them in an oven. Or a microwave, for those impatient ones.
I heard lots of songs that are nice. But their meaning is rather, stupid, useless, or just makes no plain sense. Songs from "Crazy frog", who is a crazy frog, bee bopping around in an imaginary car, where its genitals are censored. (perhaps, so that it can be shown on MTV?)
One notable stupid song is "It's Raining Men". Imagine, humans, man, dropping from the sky, perhaps from the clouds, and then, bodies flying all over, blood splattering around you. Do you like it? Will you want it to happen?
KFC is a liar. Propaganda. Loser. Customer cheater. And any other available insults available in all the languages available. Why? Because KFC uses propaganda to instill pleasure into potential customers minds. They are liars. It is almost as if Stalin is the one who owns KFC.
They are skilled at lying to customers. One of them are video clips shown on television and and pictures shown to passers-by. It is totally fake. I mean it. As in, my friend bought the "new" melts thingy which is:-
"Juicy diced tomatoes, barbeque-flavoured nachos and and creamy barbeque mayonnaise, set off with the aroma of smooth cheese and the distinctive flavour of Original Recipe chicken, all wrapped in a warm, toasted tortilla!" - KFC, a sucker, 2007
They make the sentence sound so nice, but if you read properly, it is, in Afiq's version:-
"Tomatoes plus barbeque flavored nachos and mayonnaise plus cheese plus flavour of Original Recipe chicken in tortilla." - Afiq, not a sucker, 2007
See? All the unnecessary description before every noun in the advertisement, designed to fake the reader to make assumptions on the food, such as, "smooth" and " distinctive". I mean, what the hell?
Here is the picture that is shown in the advertisements:-
Nice....
Now, I would shade the parts that are fake, and show you the real thing:-
And here is the real thing:
I believe that KFC should have a new slogan, and I have some suggestions for their new slogan:-
You eat chicken?
I love fats!!!
Chickens are my best friends.
Kids For Chicken.
I hate MacDonald's.
Do you know the who founded KFC? His name is Colonel Sanders. He is quite handsome for people of his age, amazing, though. During his young age, he is seen to be playing with the 3 chickens he had as pets in his backyard behind his house. His favourite animal is the chicken. Unfortunately, that is his favourite food too. He can spent over more than 6 hours playing with chickens, such as playing dead, sliding down the slope and having tea together. He developed a very nice, as in, very very very nice recipe, but because he is a very selfish guy, he didnt tell anyone and he died.
Cambridge are gay, they are too polite. Too polite.
(Thanks Rui Ting for suggesting this topic!!!)
I went to Cambridge and was scolded by everyone. Even the little things that I said are considered the biggest insult they have ever heard, it is as if they have never heard vulgarities before!!! Here are some examples of the "insults" I said to them:-
"I want to go toilet larh."
"Shut up can? You all very the noisy."
"Faster larh, you all so slow one."
After that, they scolded me like hell. They scolded me upside down, inside out. I learnt a very good lesson on speaking politely. Instead of saying the phrase above, I should say these phrases instead:-
"My bladder is almost full, with the call of nature, I thereby, constitute myself to the nearest washroom possible for the release of impure substances from my body."
"Can you all be be stealthy? You are being very obstreperous and are disturbing the peace of Cambridge, as such, you should be more uncommunicative."
"Can all of you be a bit more expeditive? You are all very delaying."
I mean like... Oh my god. Even Rui Ting, my friend, does not say that much crap just to go to the toilet. I was so irritated.
It is as if I have to say a speech just to keep the Cambridge idiots to stay quiet. Shit them. Or even more politely:-
"I wish that the Cambridge ignoramuses can be, look like, act like and be treated like offal."
Hate all of them.
HATE IT!!!
(Haha, sorry, but I dont mean to insult them. They are clever people, positively speaking.)
Because I am not gay. I dont understand why boys like boys or girls like girls. It is an utter disgrace to humankind. It is not even in nature for humans to like the same gender. Other than the boring physical aspects of the other gender which you obviously have (unless handicapped, dislocated to just plain pathetic), your other gender's mental state is also about the same as yours.
Gays are like that. It is a good thing that Singapore dont allow gay. Imagine, gays walking in Orchard road, kissing, hugging, making love, blah. It would be a horrible sight. Totally horrible. I also believe that all gays should be hanged.
"They have been gay. They are constantly gay. Gay." - Afiq, 2007
I know how to detect people who have gay family or they themselves are gay.
Do YOU know how?
These are a few phrases that people always say, whether they are gay, their parents are gay or they know people who are gay.
My mother and mother are going to work, want to come over to my house?
I dont have a mother.
He have a boyfriend.
She have a girlfriend.
I dont have a father.
I hate my mothers who always nag.
My fathers are always scolding me.
I am going into the same toilet with my stead.
Me and my partner do not have to wear a bra.
During orientation camp where both genders are separated, I slept together with my partner.
Have you ever heard of these sentences? Be careful of them. When they touch you, they are getting pleasure, while you are getting irritated. With that, I will make my guide on how to handle gays:-
If your friend is gay and always walks with you, find another person of the same gender as you and make him jealous.
If your teacher is gay, always hand in your work from the left, gays are prone to not notice people of the same gender from the left.
If your parents are gay, never have a close friend that is of the same gender as you, your parents will ask you to marry, fast.
If you are in a gay community, and many of them are staring at you, shout: "I hate gays, Gays sucks!!!"
Never, ever talk to a friend that is gay and of the same gender as you, you may make them think that you like them, that...is undesirable.
Are you getting the hang of it? Are you looking left and right, trying to find gays in your area? FEAR NOT, there are things that gays always wear:-
T-shirt with the words: "I love this gender"
A cap with the words: "This feels good"
A blue shirt with yellow fading lines on the left side of the hips.
There are many bloggers out there that are famous. In fact, as they are more famous as me, and their blogs get more visitors, they are a bunch of assholes. As such, there is a female blogger in Singapore that represents all this bunch of people.
Wendy Cheng is a female. She looks hot. But nope, she is not. She needed multiple surgery of her cancer infected face to bring her into that face. In fact, she has done a complete analysis of her face, as shown below:-
Recently, she was almost knocked down by a car. ALMOST. What if the driver had hit her? This is what will happen:-
Do you know that she measures her boyfriend's penis using her fingers? This is the worse thing that people can do. Why? Because, err, erm, never mind. Just assume that the penis is an important tool and cannot be meddled with for fun, pleasure and excitement. (was that too disgusting for you?) Nevertheless, the post she wrote on that was very funny, to the extent that it made me measure my own penis (just kidding).
Ok. I am REALLY out of topic. Help me. Seriously, help me, if someone can write at least one interesting topic for me to blog about, I will kiss, hug and love the person.
, at
May 23, 2007 11:06 AM
alqx, at
May 15, 2007 6:15 PM
