Tell her that life is unfair. Problems crop up in any relationship, especially YOURS. Put some "please(s)" in your patch-up sms or call her up and say that you're sorry that her green skinny jeans is now more skinny because she is fat. Try not putting any of these words/phrases in your communication:-
If all that fails, proceed to step 2, maybe that will help you in your hopeless and useless relationship, as in, your lovely relationship that veered off course because of misconceptions.
2) Ask her out for a movie.
You might be wondering why you should ask her out for a movie when she just broke with you, well, this is actually a secret. But never mind, since you are all grateful readers of this blog, I will tell you the secret, but don't tell anyone okay? *Promises :D*
Okay, when a girl does not watch a movie for at least 3 times a week, they will have menstruation, which is the severe bleeding of the butt caused by sitting too little.
So, you should be wondering what movie you should watch with your now-saddened girlfriend. Well, there is only one movie that will satisfy the needs of BOTH your girlfriend and you. This movie is rated top for bringing couples together again, even after severe hardship or even if one of them has died from leukemia...
And the movie is....
3) Stalk her.
Spy on her, walk behind her back and continually watch over her as she does her normal life. You need more information about her so you can use this information to re-stead with her. Information such as her birthday, her younger brother's birthday, her t shirt size and the number of hands she has is of paramount importance in your re-procurement of her slender body.
This is the template of the
sms you would want to send to your ex-girlfriend:-
"Hey ex-baby, today is your birthday, do you want me to buy you an expensive gift so that you can flaunt it to all your friends? On top of that, your t shirt size is MEDIUM, so I will buy you LARGE t shirts to make you think you are slimmer, and oh by the way, you have two hands. I have two hands too. Thus, we are fated to be together. Want to stead?"
The thing about stalking is that you have to be smart. Do not stalk by standing in front of her, she may see you because she may have eyes. Do not make too much noise because she may have ears that can detect those. Her mouth, which some girls have while some others do not, may start making a lot of noise. While
multitudinous numbers of research have been carried out to understand this feeble beings, the only words that we males can understand are:-
1) I want to buy things.
2) I don't like that thing, can buy me something else?
3) Why are you buying that? It is a waste of money. How about buying this for me?
4) Why you buy buy buy but never give me anything?
5) Are you okay? Do you need you to buy me something?
And that brings me to another point.
4) Bring more than enough money.
Bring more than enough money because "more than enough" is not enough if you are going out with your ex-girlfriend. You need to show off your wealth to her. One way is to put a lot of fifty dollar notes into your wallet, and drop your wallet and let the plethora of notes fly away. Then tell her:-
"Oh, never mind, I can go home and take more."
After the trip with her, return to the same place you "dropped" your wallet and pick up all the notes. I don't think anyone have taken them yet. Should be there.
You
shouldn't complain that you
don't have enough money because you asked for this, you asked to have this
relationship when you can just have freedom and other friends that you could have made without her presence. See!? This blog post is getting emotional. You might start crying behind this monitor of yours. Your girlfriend isn't beside you to care for you. But don't worry, you have good friends and family members to care for you. That girl whom you knew for a few days or weeks should not be the replacement for those people. It just does not serve justice. In that 5 days I stead with
Teseke, I went out and watched
Transformers with her, I studied with her, I studied her, and probably those 5 days are the days I did not spend with my used-to-be good friends. You should learn from this. Now I want to cry. *
Criessss*
Okay, read the paragraph before this again, and continue reading.
5) Then ask her THE question.
"Stead with me again, please." is the question you want to ask her.
But what if she say "no"?
SLAP HER.
The following two images are violent yet necessary to be shown to you, my proteges. Before you view the images, pray to the ones that have created you, both the biological one (sexual intercourse) and the religious one (depends on religion). You might not live further than this because reality is being imposed on you without choice, without questions. Guys always slap girls, even during Economics lecture. The only time girls slap guys is when they have
menstruation, a type of flu, also called H1N1.
Slap her till she bleeds. Her cheeks should already be removed from her face after you finish slapping her. Her two eyes, or shall I say, one eye that can see and another that can't, should be detached from her eye sockets. Her nose should be blocked with the bone that juts out from the side of the nose bridge, disallowing her to breathe.
Do that until she dies.
Picture credits:
http://www.sodahead.com/question/92314/if-you-heard-that-bill-has-girl-friend/ - Picture of a heart
http://www.theync.com/thumbs/7786-guy-punches-his-girl.JPG - Guy slap girl
http://www.bostoncondoloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/condodomain-slapped.jpg - Guy slap girl
How enjoyable was it...
