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Why "mats" are "mats".
Friday, May 29, 2009
(This post on "mat reps" is not meant to be an insult to the group as mentioned. While some of the readers take this lightly, some may take this seriously. This post contains multiple sweeping statements and generalization of the mentioned group. The author of this blog apologise, but wish to reiterate that he himself once wore tapered jeans.)
Many of you here in Singapore may hear the term "mat rep" (pronounced as "MART RAPE") at least 4 times in your pathetic lives. This term refers to the select few that have a fashion of their own. Call it style. Call it trendy. Call it cool. Call my mother at 65610645.
(I will spell "Mat Rep" as matrep from now on.)
It is very easy to identify matreps due to their distinctive nature:-
1) Trucker caps that are not worn properly.
Mat's perspective: Oh my god, why are all the rest wearing their caps wrongly!?!? They are wearing it too low~ Where is the gap between the top of their heads to the roof of their caps? It is used to prevent their nice hairstyles from being crushed. When I walk, air rushes in, creating turbulence that will cool my head. Oh my god, they are all out of fashion.
Our perspective:
Yes, they wear their caps differently. I cant say that they wear it wrongly since no one have the right to know what is right or what is wrong in fashion. But the fact that many people thinks that they look funny is undeniable. It creates this funny silhouette of them:-
2) Tappered/super-tight/skinny jeans.
Matreps are males. Skinny jeans were meant for females, where there was no obstruction at the groin area. It enabled comfort and relaxation while showing the shape of their somehow nice bodies. But matreps, like previously said, are males. Males have an outreaching part of their body near the groin. This creates titanic force that pushes "the thing" inwards.
This has killed 43 matreps nationwide. The government then declared "males wearing skinny jeans" to be illegal. This legislation has forced huge matrep supermarkets such as Minimat and Giant Hypermatket to move into a different place. This has made the sale of skinny jeans underground. Literally underground that is, since most of the transactions are done at B1 of Peninsular Shopping Centre, also known as Penin or Penis.
3) Like to hang out at CORNERS.
Corners are like water in feng shui for matreps. While we search for diamonds underground, they search for corners at shopping malls. The contour, the turn, the bend, the sharpness of the corners, ever so full of lust for these insatiable matreps. They get turned on when leaning on corners. Corners are like females. People's bodies when rubbed, gives sensation to the rubber (not to be confused with erasers.). Corners when rub, give mat reps a sensation.
The sharper the corner, the more elegant it is. A matrep prefer a blue corner than a red corner. This is because of the characteristics of their eyes. Most people have two eyes that can see all colours, but matrep eyes can only see cigarettes and blue corners. Pink corners are usually ignored by matrep, they think they are too manly for pink. But their wallets are pink. Its just that they don't take their wallets out because there is no money inside.
Photo Credits:-
http://www.definitivejux.net/files/u3 - Skinny jeans.
http://www.jlproperties.ca/files/images/ - Picture of "corner".
http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images - Comparison of wallet.Labels: crap
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Swine Flu
Sunday, May 03, 2009
As swine flu sweeps the globe, people run around in panic, taking planes back to their home country, and making more panic. Humans who are suspected to be infected with swine flu are quarantined in the nearest Shangri-la 5 star hotel as soon as they arrive from Mexico or a swine flu affected country, such as Swineland, as in, Switzerland. As more and more cases are found around the world, the global community fights back with anti-flu weapons such as flu vaccines, Tamiflu and Tammy Video.
The public is advised to be more hygienic during this imminent outbreak by washing their hands after touching faeces that is on the floor, cleaning their feet after bathing in mud, soaping their bodies once every week and shampooing their hair every five minutes. The public is advised to only be unhygienic after the outbreak.
They are also advised not to cough into their parents mouth, as the pigs that are trapped in their body will travel into their parents, spreading swine flu. This is the number one cause of breast cancer and also the 3rd most frequent cause of the spreading of swine flu in Mexico.
The number one cause of spreading of the swine flu is Airpork. Airpork technology allows pigs to fly. The phrase: "If I ____, pigs can fly." is an indication that swine flu is spread by flying pigs. So far, pigs have flown to America, South Korea, United Kingdom and other countries as shown below.
There are several symptoms that shows that you're infected by swine flu including fever, cough, sore throat and sleepiness. The most obvious symptom is when you look like a pig. The second most obvious symptom is when you are a pig.
Stay tuned for more reports on swine flu.
Picture Credits:-
Pig face
Flying pig intro
Airpork
Pig flight mapLabels: crap
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