[Fiqo]

Manchester United fans angry, protest in Thailand.

2010-05-08T15:31:00.009+08:00

The Barclays Premier League (EPL) has brought tears of joy to soccer fans, millions of dollars to sponsors, but also anger from unhappy fans. Soccer is an emotional sport whereby fans cry and mourn when their teams lose a match. For example, in the year of 2005 alone, more than 64 fans committed suicide because their team actually lost to Liverpool.

For those who are not sure what soccer is all about, soccer is a sport concerning 22 players on the field trying to prove that they have balls. There are 2 players called the "goalkeeper" on the field that can use every part of the body to handle the ball, although players usually do not use their penises. A soccer ball is usually round and can roll on the floor.

Many people are engrossed in certain teams. These people are called "fans". Some are peaceful and only shout vulgarities to other people but some can get rowdy and kill people. This aspect of fans has caused chaos throughout the world.

Enter...Manchester United (abbreviated as ManU, Manu, or shit.)

Manchester United, after losing the first position to Chelsea, caused their fans to be very angry. They felt that their club has failed them because they lost their life money in bets. And angry they were. With red t-shirts, they march across the streets of Thailand, destroying everything in their paths, although they said that it will be a "peaceful one".

Here are some pictures related to the protests:-

Man U fans destroying the manager's car.

Man U fans having a sit in in front of the player's apartments.

Man U fans group photo.

Thailand has been reduced from "The land of Smiles" to "The land of Frowns". Their Prime Minister, who is a Liverpool fan gave this speech to the Thais who participated in the protests:

"It is a regretful experience to wake up in the morning to have to see you all still sitting in front of my house. Why are you doing this to me? Liverpool did much worse in the League than Manchester United. I am here for you, you should be here for me. You will never walk alone."

And the protests got worse.

Zimbabwe participates very actively in Earth Hour: Reuters

2010-02-27T21:46:00.005+08:00

From Wikipedia:

"Earth Hour is a global event organized by WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature, also known as World Wildlife Fund) and is held on the last Saturday of March annually, asking households and businesses to turn off their non-essential lights and other electrical appliances for one hour to raise awareness towards the need to take action on climate change."

Remember Earth Hour 2009? We were told to switch off our lights for one hour to remind ourselves about the status of the Earth's worsening environment. In 2009, it was supported by over 90 cities worldwide! One of the most notable country which participated in Earth Hour was Zimbabwe, a country that is very focused on climate change.

On March 27, 2010, Zimbabweans switch off all essential lights from their homes from 8.30 pm to 9.30 pm. So what is so notable about them? They continued to PERSEVERE through Earth Hour and beyond! Their lights continued to stay switched off for several hours even after Earth Hour ended. To top it up, their fans, refrigerators and other basic and essential appliances were switched off too.

Here is a picture of a typical hometown, before, during and after Earth Hour.

One happy resident was interviewed during Earth Hour:

BBC: How long has the lights been switched off?

Resident: About 15 years...

BBC: WOW!!! For about 15 minutes already!?! Thats long! You have 45 minutes more to go.

Until today, their lights are still switched off.

Save Earth. Save Yourselves.

______________________________________

Credits to:

http://torydrroy.blogspot.com/2008/04/canadian-political-cartoons-lots-of.html for his cartoon on Earth Hour.

How to save money while being romantic.

2009-12-02T23:21:00.027+08:00

(Throughout the post, assume that the romantic is a guy and the romanced is a girl. Don't complain that this shows that I am a sexist because it is simply for ease of typing and not because I am a sexist. Don't be such a girl!)

We are all humans. We need one another to talk to, to be consoled, to care for, to share our experiences with each other, to accompany one another and to have sex. We are created to love the other gender. But God made it difficult for us. We have to compete with others of the same gender to get the person from the other gender. There are many ways to do that: be more muscular, be intelligent, present yourself well, pay a bride agency in China or.......

.......BE ROMANTIC.

To be romantic, one needs to buy flowers, buy rings, buy presents, treat her to dinner, book a hotel, etc. All these costs the guy money. Precious money. Money that the parents work hard for. Money that one third of the world badly need just to barely survive. Personally, I live in Zimbabwe and I am under the group stated by the UN as being in "extreme poverty" - I live on less than US$1 per day. I tried to be romantic to girls, but because of my financial incapability, I have to resort to cost-saving methods to be romantic. Nevertheless, as of today, 26 girls have fallen into my trap, as in, fallen for me, and 15 of them asked me whether I can stead with them. I rejected all of them.

My advice and tips that will be presented to you are all well-devised by me and myself but I am willing to share my sacred knowledge to all of you. And because I know that you are already out-of-cash to be romantic, my e-book titled "Number 1 Award Winning Guide to Being Romantic Without Costing You Anything" can be read FREE OF CHARGE.

______________________________________________

Author: Mohamed Romance Bin Mohamed Charming

Publisher: Love House Pte Ltd

Number 1

Award Winning Guide to Being Romantic Without Costing You Anything

Chapter One: Present Giving

There are many things to give to your girlfriend. You can be a romantic and give her a flower. Or you can show your financial status by giving her an expensive Diamond ring. You can show that you truly love her and only her by writing her a customized card.

But what if I tell you that you can give a present without buying ANYTHING. Hear that? Without buying ANYTHING!!! Well, its not that complicated.

Step 1: On a special occasion, maybe her birthday or your anniversary, go to her door and knock the door gently. Knock the door softly to give the romantic knocking sound...

Step 2: Put both of your hands behind your back, pretending that you have a present in your hands that you will be giving her. Now wait for her to open the door and look at you.

Step 3: Once she look at you, stare at her for about 2 seconds, and reveal your two hands and show that you have NO PRESENT for her.

Step 4: Say these magical words: "I haven't bought any present for you. But it's not that I have forgotten that its our special anniversary. It's not that I cant think of anything to buy for you. It's not that I do not have enough money to buy one for you. But its because, for me....the most valuable present that you can receive is me, myself and I."

You have successfully romanticized her. But most importantly, you have saved money.

Chapter two: Having a Dinner

Having a dinner with your girlfriend is expensive. It can cost more than $1.40. To make it worse, you need to give the waiter or waitress a tip, buy nice clothes and maybe give her a treat. As an initial advice, don't go to a restaurant. Go to a Kopitiam. To save more money, go to a non-air conditioned hawker center near Yio Chu Kang MRT.

But that's not all, there is one more KILLER ROMANTIC LINE that I use for every single hawker center dinner I have with my girls.

Step 1: Find a seat, a settle down.

Step 2: Because you are a cheapskate, there is no waiter or waitress to be tipped. No service charge charged. But you will have to stand up, go to a shop and buy food. Purposely place your hand phone and other expensive valuables on the table and chairs and tell her to follow you around to find food. Make sure that she notices them. She will be shocked that you leave such expensive items on the tables!

Step 3: Walk WITH HER away from your table, preferably far enough so that your table cannot be seen. Wait for her to ask you this question: "Darling, wouldn't someone steal your belongings?! They are expensive you know...."

Step 4: Look towards the floor. Then look up and stare into her eyes. Wait for a few seconds to give the intense romantic atmosphere. Now say this KILLER ROMANTIC LINE:

"Honey, I agree that they are expensive. I agree that someone could simply take them away. But I know that they can never take this particular valuable away from me, ever. That valuable that I have is...you."

How romantic is that? Without costing you much, you have made her fall into your arms. With proper knowledge, guys can woo girls without buying anything. With that, I end my e-book on How to Save Money While Being Romantic. I hope that my presence in your life has allowed you to get the girl you have always wanted.

"Youth these days...."

2009-11-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

After months of inactivity, here comes an update. *SMILES*

Being a youth myself, I encounter many experiences that I cannot accept. Things that I think are unacceptable in today's society. In this post, let us explore the three main things that I dont accept.

1) About the word "mug"

Being in a new Educational Institute (EI), I was immersed into a new environment. Softer, more decent and highly conservative, my current EI's students have the tendency to use this word. Personally, I do not like this word. It sounds too crude, and carries a highly negative connotation for the original, intended meaning. The word is not "Jay Chou" though.The word is MUG.

The usual argument that mug shouldn't be used for the meaning of "studying" is the argument that the dictionary says:-

–verb (used with object)
5. to assault or menace, esp. with the intention of robbery.
6. Slang. to photograph (a person), esp. in compliance with an official or legal requirement.

(dictionary.reference.com)

While this sounds convincing that no one should use the word mug, I will not use that exact argument because words come from us, not the dictionary. Lexicographers have reiterated many times about the fluidity of the usage of vocabulary.

Instead, the problem is the way the word "mug"is being said.

Usual conversations sometimes end like this:

You: Hey where are you going?

Me: Oh, Orchard perhaps? or maybe Peninsula? Nah maybe I will just go home and study.

You: MUGGER!!!

ME: -.-

Why must people make studying analogous to raping a young child? Why must the tone of saying "mugger" be similar to that when shouting "molest"? It is bad enough that I am studying. It is worse if someone sounds as if they are criticizing me for studying. Then it becomes even worse when I fail my exams and starts thinking that these people were right.

2) About the word "pon"

The next frequently used word is "pon".

I am not kidding. The word looks like "porn" and is pronounced e

xactly like "porn". Dont anyone feel weird that such an offensive sounding word like "porn" is used as if its nothing wrong?

You: Hey, where are you going? I am going to the canteen.

Me: Lecture theater...duh. Aren't you supposed to be there now too?

You: I pon class.

Me: You are going to porn class!??!?!?

You: Yeah...I am going to pon class.

Me: Okay, I am going porn class too then! :D

You: I am going to canteen to study for my other subjects you know...

Me: Uhh?

Confusion arises when such misleading terms are

used ubiquitously. Although its easier to say "I pon-ing class" then saying "I will be skipping this lesson.", the latter sounds nicer.

3) About over-generalization.

Next is the generalization of beauty. The paragraphs below are inclined to the males so I am really sorry if you are not a male. Which just means that you are a female. Or "J

ay Chou". Or you can try changing all the "girls" into "guys" for the upcoming few paragraphs.

There are numerous occasions whereby someone will say that the girls in a particular school are prettier than another. When asked on why such a conclusion was made, the answers are similar:-

1) My friend say one.

2) I saw before.

3) Its XJC what, confirm chio one.

(Yeah, XJC is used instead of real names of Educational Institu

tes to show respect and to respect confidentiality. In this blog, it is very rare that real names of real things are revealed. The Internet is not the right place for such revelations.)

Yes, if the evidence is that "I saw before", good. But have you seen every single girl? Have you thoroughly examined the faces, the bodies of every female in the school from head to toe? What if there is this girl who is stuck at a handicapped toilet? And if you say yes to all this questions, are you a pervert?

And if its "Its XJC what, confirm chio one", then my response is: people take O levels to get grades that will be reflected as their L1R5. Schools use these dat

a to take in students.

But seriously, please do not judge people by their looks. Some can look as ugly as Jay Chou, but their hearts are sincere and nice. If you ask for tissue paper, they give you tissue paper. If they dont have tissue paper, they buy tissue paper. If they cant buy tissue paper, they make tissue paper. If they cant make tissue paper, they say "sorry." Some can look exceedingly ha

ndsome like me, but they are filled with anger and sadistic thoughts (okay thats unlike me).

In conclusion, ALL youths are childish and immature. Okay, sorry for generalizing.

I am tagged!

2009-10-10T14:09:00.004+08:00

Remember the olden days when we had no facebook accounts and people are posting stupid or random questions that they "tag" their friends to do and publish on their blogs? I remembered it, and I didnt read most of them. Vague answers designed to sound detailed but hide information plagued the blogging world. Even in facebook now. Examples are:

"Who do you really love and why"?"

"I like this certain someone, she has treated me very well."

But recently, someone tagged me to do such a quiz. Trapped by the social etiquette surrounding typical youths, I am obliged to answer all of the questions posted to me like an interrogated innocent wrongly accused of raping Jay Chou.

So let me begin.

Would you shave your head if a family member asked you to because they had cancer?

If shaving my head causes the cancer cells to die in ANOTHER PERSON'S body, yes. It may happen, actually. While I am shaving my head, hair falls of my head, it then drops into the other persons mouth and the hair's sharpness will poke the cancer cells till they die.

If the abovementioned will not happen, no, I will not shave my head.

And if I am going to the army and have to shave my head and somehow one of my family members have cancer, I will place the family member beside me just in case my theory works.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant?

I will tell the doctor that I am a male. The scrotum might be able to hold a baby, but then again, the baby will grow to a size bigger than my scrotum can hold. OUCH. That would be damn painful. Almost like the recent news on the woman who held on to her baby in her womb for 60 years! Here is the link: Link1

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?

Yes. I was playing soccer, and this guy tackled me violently from my back. To make it worse, he didnt even get the ball! He simply kicked me and I fell forward and bruised my whole knee. But he gave me a helping hand and apologised.

Oh wait, you mean, "hurt you" in the emotinal way? LOL :D

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

NO!!!! Why must she do this to me! Never in my life has anyone treated me properly. My parents always slap my face. My girlfriend recently dumped me. I recently dumped my other girlfriend. And nobody in school likes me! I just feel like there is no one where I can express my feelings to. Why isnt there someone for me to spread my sadness to? Am I really that ugly? Do I look like Jay Chou in the first place?

Are you wasting your time on someone?

No, I am not. But wasting my time answering your questions.

Last thing that made you cry:

Onions.

The onion molecules that is displaced from the onion went into my eyes and made me cry so badly.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?

NO, marriage is something I would try to delay. This is because marriage brings a liability into my life. Females are a weird species. It may take a full bachelor's degree to fully understand them. In fact, why they have menstruation is not fully understand yet. Scientists are debating on whether is is because of internal occurence or whether its just physical bleeding due to the tightness of Whisper Ultra(s).

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?

423.

How often do you think about suicide?

Everyday when I wake up and till I fall asleep.

Do you have a secret crush on someone?

Your mother.

What is the worst thing a person could do to you and still be forgiven?

If a girl who is damn pretty and cute rape me, that would be the worse thing that could happen to me, but still, she would be forgiven.

You're dying in 10 seconds, what are your last words to your best friend?

"I am going to die in ten seconds, I actually know that I am going to die in ten seconds, like how the heck do I even know about that? Maybe someone whispered to me that I am going to die in ten seconds."

...to your worst enemy?

"Did you just stabbed me from behind using a very sharp knife, causing me to die in ten seconds?"

Has a song ever made you cry?

Umbrella by Rihanna. It sucks so bad that I wanted to cry because I am forced to listen to that almost everywhere I go to!

A book ever made you cry?

Twilight made my cry, nah just kidding. I have never read the book. Not even the blurb. Not even the title that states that it is "Twilight". Not even the authors name.

__________

Tell It All Survey

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

I think that piercing your lips is like killing your own parents. Imagine your parents are your lips and you take a sharp object and poke that through your parents. Both are disgusting. As in, the occurence, not the parents.

Does a kiss make you feel better?

That is exactly the same as asking: Does a girl directly in front of you smearing saliva all over your non-pimpled face using her lips and tongue, especially when you have to wipe all of that off using your own hands, for which, her saliva will be on your hands AND your face, make you feel better? NO!

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?

No, I only start the water when I am outside the shower walking into the bathroom, fifty metres away from the bathroom. I will call my brother to turn on the tap so when I reach the bathroom, I can be sure that water is, in fact, without a doubt, without any hesitance, with maximum blessings from God, pouring out of the shower head.

Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?

I have NEVER brushed my teeth before. I like the feeling of plaque sticking on your teeth. I usually use my long fingernails to scrub and rub the plague off my teeth and I will use my tongue to lick the plaque that sticks in my fingernails and eat it. It really taste good! There was this time when I ate Cheese Prata, after a few hours after the meal, I felt hungry, so I scrub my teeth for some plaque and eat it. Tastes exactly the same as Cheese Prata.

Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?

Excuse me...question-asker, that is kind of rude of you to ask questions like that. Do you think females are toys that are to be played with when one bored? Are they just sitting around on Earth waiting to be poked around with? Are their living spaces a "field" for you to play on? Running around from female to female like playing "squirrel and tree"?!

I would play the field.

Did you believe that boys/girls had cooties?

Yes, AIDS came from females. HIV also. Fever came from females too.

Singapore Idol 2009

2009-08-24T01:38:00.012+08:00

Singapore Idol comes here to Singapore for the third time! Singapore Idol 2009 features "higher standards", probably because the previous one was so low, so this time round, it is not as low. Who will be the successor of Hady Mirza? In fact, who is Hady Mirza?

Millions of people queued up for a chance to be the next Singapore Idol. Only the best of the breast, as in, best of the best will make it through the auditions. The idol hopefuls need to satisfy these requirements first even before they can step into the audition room:-

1) One leg.
2) Another leg.
3) Singaporean Citizenship.
4) Never talked to Jay Chou before.

Once they enter the audition room, the real test begins. Faced by three judges, the contestant needs to ensure that he have confidence and capability, an absence of any one of those two pivotal qualities threaten him with rejection. The three judges, after two years of judging, will do something very similar this year.

They will judge.

Their names are Ken Lim and Florence Lian. The third judge is a Dick. Their harsh comments may sadden bad singers, but if you sing well, why worry?! Anyway, rejected idol hopefuls have had their chance to shine after the auditions! Stars such as William Hung have shown bright colours even after their nasty and shameful rejection. Like how the saying goes: Don’t give up, persevere. Or even better, like my saying goes: If you give up, you fail. But if you continue, though you may still fail, you may succeed.

One thing I don’t like about Singapore Idol is that I wasn’t chosen to be the next Singapore Idol. Why didn’t they choose me? My voice is the best. If I stand beside Jay Chou, my looks will make girls flabbergasted. My voice will simply wow them. Jay Chou, though he makes music albums, I make photo albums. Girls prefer photo albums.

Okay, moving away from the sensational topic about Singapore Idol 2009. Many have asked me why I seem to be anti-Jay Chou. Well, this is a sensitive topic. For many years I have been insulting him, making fun of him, and sometimes degrading him into something worse than a dirty filthy drain. We were together before. We were steads. Many girls were jealous. Firstly, I am a guy. Secondly, he is a guy. These facts make us gays. Girls worldwide were furious! One handsome guy WASTED! (though I sometimes think that I am the handsome guy, not Jay Chou.)

Then our relationship became unstable. Jay Chou will sometimes look at women. Why must he look at women? He can only look at me. Only talk to me. And can only touch me. No one else should be communicating with him. Some have said that I am a control freak. WRONG. I am not a control freak. I am a control bitch. Just like an Xbox 360 controller, I control Jay Chou.

So we broke up. Although our relationship was tempestuous at times, he didnt have to break up with me. But oh well, life has to go on. He made his 14th album after our break up, and it was named: "Horrible Break Up Album." or "可怕的分裂专辑."

Some of the songs are:-

1) Gays suck.
2) You are gay, so I am gay.
3) I am happy, gay! As in, yay!
4) Hoogay.

Anyway, the following is a video made by my classmates and I for a school inter-class video competition pertaining to National Day 2009. I know I posted this before. This is a reiteration. Hopefully it doesnt hurt Jay Chou's feelings.

What to do after you break

2009-07-12T22:33:00.001+08:00

How enjoyable was it...
to be mesmerized by the only love you had at that point of time,
only to be prostrated and ditched,
left alone in the darkness of reality.

Care from all sides inundate you,
"How are you?" "Are you okay?",
It all comes at the same time,
Augmenting sadness.

Okay what the hell. Anyway, I didn't break up with anyone, and I cant break up because i am not even locked, chained and controlled by another person people call "stead", this blog post is supposed to be a follow-up from the previous "What to do after you stead" post.

One day while walking down the street, Teseke smsed me that she felt that my love for her has waned over the pass few months and that it is time for her to "move on". Okay let me paraphrase that sms for you:-

"Break up."

You don't know what to do, but since you are here at http://fiqo.blogspot.com, this is THE BEST guide to handling this kind of situation. My experience with 154 girls have made me the "Top Break Expert of 2009" in the latest issue of Times Magazine. Of all the 154 girls, 45 of them felt remorseful that they broke up with me, 23 started complaining to their bitch friends and the rest managed to find another stead in the next 48 hours.

1) Tell her that you want to PATCH UP.

Why agree with her? She wants to break up, NOT YOU. Saying yes to her will give you no chance of experiencing what you have experienced for the past 5 days while you and her were in official courtship. Imagine the times where she forced you to buy the beautiful green skinny jeans, or the times where she didn't want to go out with you because she had "family problems"? Don't you want that to continue happening?

Tell her that life is unfair. Problems crop up in any relationship, especially YOURS. Put some "please(s)" in your patch-up sms or call her up and say that you're sorry that her green skinny jeans is now more skinny because she is fat. Try not putting any of these words/phrases in your communication:-

1) You are the cause of the break up.
2) It is not my fault that this occurred.
3) What the hell.
4) My mother died when you wanted to break up with me.

If all that fails, proceed to step 2, maybe that will help you in your hopeless and useless relationship, as in, your lovely relationship that veered off course because of misconceptions.

2) Ask her out for a movie.

You might be wondering why you should ask her out for a movie when she just broke with you, well, this is actually a secret. But never mind, since you are all grateful readers of this blog, I will tell you the secret, but don't tell anyone okay? *Promises :D*

Okay, when a girl does not watch a movie for at least 3 times a week, they will have menstruation, which is the severe bleeding of the butt caused by sitting too little.

So, you should be wondering what movie you should watch with your now-saddened girlfriend. Well, there is only one movie that will satisfy the needs of BOTH your girlfriend and you. This movie is rated top for bringing couples together again, even after severe hardship or even if one of them has died from leukemia...

And the movie is....

"Drag me to hell."

3) Stalk her.

Spy on her, walk behind her back and continually watch over her as she does her normal life. You need more information about her so you can use this information to re-stead with her. Information such as her birthday, her younger brother's birthday, her t shirt size and the number of hands she has is of paramount importance in your re-procurement of her slender body.

This is the template of the sms you would want to send to your ex-girlfriend:-

"Hey ex-baby, today is your birthday, do you want me to buy you an expensive gift so that you can flaunt it to all your friends? On top of that, your t shirt size is MEDIUM, so I will buy you LARGE t shirts to make you think you are slimmer, and oh by the way, you have two hands. I have two hands too. Thus, we are fated to be together. Want to stead?"

The thing about stalking is that you have to be smart. Do not stalk by standing in front of her, she may see you because she may have eyes. Do not make too much noise because she may have ears that can detect those. Her mouth, which some girls have while some others do not, may start making a lot of noise. While multitudinous numbers of research have been carried out to understand this feeble beings, the only words that we males can understand are:-

1) I want to buy things.
2) I don't like that thing, can buy me something else?
3) Why are you buying that? It is a waste of money. How about buying this for me?
4) Why you buy buy buy but never give me anything?
5) Are you okay? Do you need you to buy me something?

And that brings me to another point.

4) Bring more than enough money.

Bring more than enough money because "more than enough" is not enough if you are going out with your ex-girlfriend. You need to show off your wealth to her. One way is to put a lot of fifty dollar notes into your wallet, and drop your wallet and let the plethora of notes fly away. Then tell her:-

"Oh, never mind, I can go home and take more."

After the trip with her, return to the same place you "dropped" your wallet and pick up all the notes. I don't think anyone have taken them yet. Should be there.

You shouldn't complain that you don't have enough money because you asked for this, you asked to have this relationship when you can just have freedom and other friends that you could have made without her presence. See!? This blog post is getting emotional. You might start crying behind this monitor of yours. Your girlfriend isn't beside you to care for you. But don't worry, you have good friends and family members to care for you. That girl whom you knew for a few days or weeks should not be the replacement for those people. It just does not serve justice. In that 5 days I stead with Teseke, I went out and watched Transformers with her, I studied with her, I studied her, and probably those 5 days are the days I did not spend with my used-to-be good friends. You should learn from this. Now I want to cry. *Criessss*

Okay, read the paragraph before this again, and continue reading.

5) Then ask her THE question.

"Stead with me again, please." is the question you want to ask her.

But what if she say "no"?

SLAP HER.

The following two images are violent yet necessary to be shown to you, my proteges. Before you view the images, pray to the ones that have created you, both the biological one (sexual intercourse) and the religious one (depends on religion). You might not live further than this because reality is being imposed on you without choice, without questions. Guys always slap girls, even during Economics lecture. The only time girls slap guys is when they have menstruation, a type of flu, also called H1N1.

Slap her till she bleeds. Her cheeks should already be removed from her face after you finish slapping her. Her two eyes, or shall I say, one eye that can see and another that can't, should be detached from her eye sockets. Her nose should be blocked with the bone that juts out from the side of the nose bridge, disallowing her to breathe.

Do that until she dies.

Picture credits:

http://www.sodahead.com/question/92314/if-you-heard-that-bill-has-girl-friend/ - Picture of a heart

http://www.theync.com/thumbs/7786-guy-punches-his-girl.JPG - Guy slap girl

http://www.bostoncondoloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/condodomain-slapped.jpg - Guy slap girl

Movie Ratings

2009-06-14T11:09:00.035+08:00

Have not read Why "Mats" are "Mats"?

Read that post first!

(As much as the webmaster is trying to eliminate vulgarities and offensive words from his posts, the style in which this post is written prevents him from doing so. There are a number of offensive words in this post and the webmaster kindly warns his readers to approach them with an open mind.)

Ever ventured into the theaters, only to be appalled by the ratings that has been set by the media authority of your country? An hour of travel time and 7 minutes of walking wasted; confirmed by the sheer value of the numbers that reside beside the alphabets "N" and "C". You're only 15. It is only 2 days before your birthday. The movie's show time ends tomorrow. "Shucks," you exclaimed. You crept up on the queue, your slender body ever so agile to maneuver around the perpetual line, reaching the end-zone without a drop of sweat. You then executed an array of words with the cashier, first predefining the conversation with a plan so ingenious, your English grades just do not serve justice.

"Hello, good evening sir, you look very handsome. May I have a ticket for Hannah Montana: Sensual Stage?"

"Sir, may I see your IC?"

"I lost it."

"Then you can't buy the tickets, sir."

"FUCK."

"Oh, you know that word? Here is your ticket then."

Okay, that event is unlikely in real life. But you must understand. You cant just go in and watch a movie that is highly disgusting or violent. Your eyes just cant take it. You need to mature. To learn. To educate oneself with the proper knowledge before entering the screens that assault you with a barrage of pieces of shit.

So here are Singapore's movie ratings, as set by MDA:-

1) General.

These movies can be seen by anyone. Everyone will accept it, generally. These movies have the widest possible scope of audience ranging from adults, senior citizens, teenagers, toddlers and fetuses. But that carries a negative side to it. Will a teenager react the same way as a senior citizen? Will babies react the same way as homosexuals? Will minahs react the same way as mats?

2) Parental Guidance.

These movies can be seen by anyone. Well, with at least a parent beside you. It is better if you can bring all 3 of your parents. You might ask: "Why need a parent to guide me?" Well, movies are complicated. So many things jump right into your eyes! YOU SIAO ARH YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEE SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE?!?!?! MAT SIAL~

You need parents to slowly guide you through the story line:-

3) No Children - 16 (NC16)

(The upcoming paragraph has a lot of dots.)

OH YEAH MAN, I AM GETTING SOOOO EXCITED NOW. Oh, in the next paragraph, it is all about the wonders of life... the joy of living... the greatness of eternity. Everyone waits for their time in life to watch such movies that are rated so high, so maturely...

These movies can only be seen by those 16 years old or older. Not younger, but older. These movies are the Best in the west. The Beast of the East. The Broth of the North. The Cough of the South. The Broth Broth Beast of the North North East.

So why are these movies rated as such? The women in these movies wear very little clothes. The man like to touch them. Also, the knives that they hold will be used to cut another person's arm off his body to the point that blood will flood the floor of their house. The body of that guy will be dragged across the hall, then thrown into a rubbish chute where the man will be left to cry for help, helplessly. That guy will now decompose until no one can recognize him. Not even Mas Selamat. This is totally different from watching Teletubies jump around in small little hills, bro~

The picture below is a picture of a woman trying to suffocate her baby.

On another note, I just don't know why we as students got so excited when we were 14~15 years old about finally getting to watch NC16 movies when we reach 16 years old. The movies aren't so explicit as it sounds. A girl who touches another guy would have made a once-decent movie an NC16 one just by that 30 second clip. We waited 16 years FOR THIS?!

That was why...

R21 was created.

4) Restricted-21 (R21)

R21 is the pinnacle of entertainment. The apex of joy. The peak of delight. The summit of jubilance. The cup of tea.

While every post in this blog is discreet about pornographic materials, the pictures below are fully pornographic. This is the only part of this site that most readers here cant view. In fact, I cant even look at it. I had to type "R21 pictures" on Google's image search engine and randomly pick one of them while closing my eyes.

The picture is shown below. Scroll slowly.

I myself have not watched any R21 movies. I am not 21 years old or older. I am decent. Kind. Innocent. Yet to be corrupted by pollutants. Standing outside cinemas, you can see the effect that the movies have on babies. Their expressions on their faces portray a dilapidated scene. In another words, their faces are screwed. Here are the photographs that I took with my Canon DSLR.

A monkey. AS USUAL.

Nope, no R21 movies for me. They are too much.

Photo Credits:-

(The photos are taken from these sites, but may not necessarily have been made by them.)

http://www.dreamstime.com/wacky-shocked-baby---with-clipping-path-image513604

http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/1444R-260802

http://www.gamespot.com/pages/forums/show_msgs.php?topic_id=26296880&page=21

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Movie_rating

http://www.reilly2001.info/whim/archives/

http://hot-males-celebrity.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html

Trivia: You have read 930 words of nonsense.

Why "mats" are "mats".

2009-05-29T15:21:00.001+08:00

(This post on "mat reps" is not meant to be an insult to the group as mentioned. While some of the readers take this lightly, some may take this seriously. This post contains multiple sweeping statements and generalization of the mentioned group. The author of this blog apologise, but wish to reiterate that he himself once wore tapered jeans.)

Many of you here in Singapore may hear the term "mat rep" (pronounced as "MART RAPE") at least 4 times in your pathetic lives. This term refers to the select few that have a fashion of their own. Call it style. Call it trendy. Call it cool. Call my mother at 65610645.

(I will spell "Mat Rep" as matrep from now on.)

It is very easy to identify matreps due to their distinctive nature:-

1) Trucker caps that are not worn properly.

Mat's perspective: Oh my god, why are all the rest wearing their caps wrongly!?!? They are wearing it too low~ Where is the gap between the top of their heads to the roof of their caps? It is used to prevent their nice hairstyles from being crushed. When I walk, air rushes in, creating turbulence that will cool my head. Oh my god, they are all out of fashion.

Our perspective:

Yes, they wear their caps differently. I cant say that they wear it wrongly since no one have the right to know what is right or what is wrong in fashion. But the fact that many people thinks that they look funny is undeniable. It creates this funny silhouette of them:-

2) Tappered/super-tight/skinny jeans.

Matreps are males. Skinny jeans were meant for females, where there was no obstruction at the groin area. It enabled comfort and relaxation while showing the shape of their somehow nice bodies. But matreps, like previously said, are males. Males have an outreaching part of their body near the groin. This creates titanic force that pushes "the thing" inwards.

This has killed 43 matreps nationwide. The government then declared "males wearing skinny jeans" to be illegal. This legislation has forced huge matrep supermarkets such as Minimat and Giant Hypermatket to move into a different place. This has made the sale of skinny jeans underground. Literally underground that is, since most of the transactions are done at B1 of Peninsular Shopping Centre, also known as Penin or Penis.

3) Like to hang out at CORNERS.

Corners are like water in feng shui for matreps. While we search for diamonds underground, they search for corners at shopping malls. The contour, the turn, the bend, the sharpness of the corners, ever so full of lust for these insatiable matreps. They get turned on when leaning on corners. Corners are like females. People's bodies when rubbed, gives sensation to the rubber (not to be confused with erasers.). Corners when rub, give mat reps a sensation.

The sharper the corner, the more elegant it is. A matrep prefer a blue corner than a red corner. This is because of the characteristics of their eyes. Most people have two eyes that can see all colours, but matrep eyes can only see cigarettes and blue corners. Pink corners are usually ignored by matrep, they think they are too manly for pink. But their wallets are pink. Its just that they don't take their wallets out because there is no money inside.

Photo Credits:-

http://www.definitivejux.net/files/u3 - Skinny jeans.

http://www.jlproperties.ca/files/images/ - Picture of "corner".

http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images - Comparison of wallet.

Swine Flu

2009-05-03T20:02:00.014+08:00

As swine flu sweeps the globe, people run around in panic, taking planes back to their home country, and making more panic. Humans who are suspected to be infected with swine flu are quarantined in the nearest Shangri-la 5 star hotel as soon as they arrive from Mexico or a swine flu affected country, such as Swineland, as in, Switzerland. As more and more cases are found around the world, the global community fights back with anti-flu weapons such as flu vaccines, Tamiflu and Tammy Video.

The public is advised to be more hygienic during this imminent outbreak by washing their hands after touching faeces that is on the floor, cleaning their feet after bathing in mud, soaping their bodies once every week and shampooing their hair every five minutes. The public is advised to only be unhygienic after the outbreak.

They are also advised not to cough into their parents mouth, as the pigs that are trapped in their body will travel into their parents, spreading swine flu. This is the number one cause of breast cancer and also the 3rd most frequent cause of the spreading of swine flu in Mexico.

The number one cause of spreading of the swine flu is Airpork. Airpork technology allows pigs to fly. The phrase: "If I ____, pigs can fly." is an indication that swine flu is spread by flying pigs. So far, pigs have flown to America, South Korea, United Kingdom and other countries as shown below.

There are several symptoms that shows that you're infected by swine flu including fever, cough, sore throat and sleepiness. The most obvious symptom is when you look like a pig. The second most obvious symptom is when you are a pig.

Stay tuned for more reports on swine flu.

Picture Credits:-

Pig face

Flying pig intro

Airpork

Pig flight map

Minister's comments on the recent suicide cases: "Not funny larh."

2009-03-08T16:41:00.008+08:00

(This post is purely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life entities is purely coincidental.)

There has been two very recent deaths in one of the educational institutes in Singapore. Both are suicide cases. This is a very depressing sign of today's corroding morals in this country, just kidding. But then again, suicide cases are not funny and should always be prevented at all costs. The reason is because if a lot of people commit suicide, there will be a lot of bodies to take care off. these bodies must be carried off and placed into a proper burial or such and the blood that they leave behind must be washed off properly. To make it worse, Singapore is already facing spatial constraints.

To solve this problem, the government will be further enforcing the law against committing suicide. This is to prevent those who commit suicide successfully from dying which allowed many to escape from court. The punishment will be based on the number of floors jumped.

In more and extreme detail:-

1 to 3 floors - 5 years of imprisonment.
4 to 7 floors - Up to 8 years of imprisonment and 3 strokes of the cane.
7 to 10 floors - Will be forced to listen to Jay Chou.
11 and above - Death.

To prevent more people from committing suicide, the government will disallow any new buildings to have a first floor. This will prevent anyone who is committing suicide from landing.

There was another suggestion to place trampolines along the sides of a building but this proposal was rejected because a recent test in England has found out that those who landed on the trampoline bounced off and killed themselves somewhere else.

Another suggestion was to remove all existing windows from all residential building to prevent people from "jumping through the window." This was later rejected as they realised that removing the windows caused a hole to be formed.

The last suggestion was to paste JayChou(s) on the floor but was also rejected as too many girls were attracted to it.

Picture credits:-

http://www.englishbaby.com/forum/Music/thread/124830

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/21023786/top_10_the_best_in_tv_the_web_books_and_beyond/print

http://www.resurrectionsong.com/index.php/weblog/2007/04/

http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_6240000/newsid_6246500/6246562.stm

2009-02-27T20:19:00.006+08:00

The webmaster of this blog will not be posting on this blog till next week Saturday. This is due to the web master's increasing workload in an educational institute. Webmaster will be grateful for his reader's possible care and concern.

In the meantime, feel free to read the archives. The very very old posts are just personal rants while I was a kid. Now I am more matured. But that is subjective.

Okay let me just type some nonsense for the moment.

What did the teacher say to the student who dyed her hair?

Answer: "YOU DYE!"

What to do once you have a stead.

2009-01-21T16:07:00.011+08:00

(In this post, my "stead" will be named Teseke. I know it sounds super stupid, but it is designed and structured in such a way that it wont coincide with anyone else's name in case you're going to like: "AfiQ you stead with HER arh"?)

Teenagers nowadays love to "stead". (Some teenagers*)

I don't know why, maybe they want to build a future TOGETHER AS ONE and earn money by asking their parents for it, while studying for exams, getting scolded by parents and teachers. I was playing soccer yesterday and there was this group of male students under the void deck and two pretty girls walking across. Then suddenly, two boys ran out and asked the girls for their number and got rejected, so the boys went back and shouted "I LOVE YOU!!!" to the girls.

I was like..."WTF?!"

Is that how boys relay their love to girls? The answer is...yes. In this post, I will TEACH you what to do after you just stead.

1) Change your MSN personal message to the date you both stead.

Why keep it a secret? Why do you want it to be between only you and your stead? Isn't it boring if no one asks you who your stead was? Why is your mother a virgin? Why is your hand phone on silent mode?

Yup, change your personal message to the date you both stead. You need to tell everyone when you stead-ed. This is to tell them that you have new responsibilities to take care of and to accomplish. Just kidding, its just to make people curious and ask you this question: "You got stead ARH!?"

You would say "yes, and her name is Teseke."

"HUH? WTF? Why you all stead?"

Now you reply with: "Shut up larh, haha, ask so many questions..."

See? This is just to attract attention and make you feel special. But actually, you're in big trouble, cause soon, your GF or BF will call you and sms you that she misses you and wants you to meet her under HER block and buy her cookies so SHE can eat it without YOU.

2) Take pictures together.

You need to take pictures TOGETHER! You and her are together now! Kiss her, hug her, touch her boobs and take pictures of all that. Then post it in facebook and friendster so everyone can see it and see that both of you are in a serious relationship. You wouldn't want them to see you both hold hands and "OMG THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS??!?!"

You want them to see you both hold hands and say: "Oh, chey~! They kiss and hug already, so never mind :D"

That is what you want. And if you don't want to touch her boobs and take pictures of that, using a Wii controller and slapping it there would be the same.

3) Put "forever" every time you type "love" in a sentence.

Previously it was: "Hey, I love you Teseke, would you want to stead with me?"

Now it is: "Hey, I love you Teseke, forever."

The word forever shows that you love her for as long as you're alive. In fact, it will last after you die, after you decompose and after you're in heaven with another pretty girl. Or, it will last even if you break up with her and stead with ANOTHER girl. Why? Because it is FOREVER!!!

4) Tell her that you miss her, love her and wants to be with her, for at least 25 times a day.

Hmm, you know why you get so many free SMSes? Because you need to tell her that you miss her and love her. A girl that has a stead can only last for thirty minutes, after that, her mood goes down and her mood is at at an all time low. You NEED to send her an sms by that time, if not, a break up is inevitable.

Example:

"Hey, AfiQ here. MISSES YOU :D At home now, but miss you a lot. And I love you too. Oh yeah, I miss you. And love you too! Do you miss me? Reply as soon as possible. Miss you <3

5) Put emo sentences in a smaller font.

An example:

__________________

Today was a normal day, nothing interesting happened, was just sitting around at home doing nothing much. Today was a normal day, nothing interesting happened, was just sitting around at home doing nothing much. Today was a normal day, nothing interesting happened, was just sitting around at home doing nothing much. Today was a normal day, nothing interesting happened, was just sitting around at home doing nothing much.

Hey baby Teseke, I know yesterday's incident made you feel bad, I am sorry okay? Love you always. It was just a mere misunderstanding...

_____________________

Notice the small words below the huge paragraph above? I don't know the actual reason why its smaller, maybe its to make you focus on them or maybe its to make you not notice them so much? But if its the latter, then why not make the words microscopically small or don't even type them? I don't understand!

6) Choose a cliche' sentence and put it as your display name in MSN.

You need those so that people think that you're very intelligent and smart and knows what having a relationship mean.

Something like:-

a) Love is not about who you live with... It's about who you can't live without.

b) Love is not finding a perfect person, it is seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

c) Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.

For c), its almost like saying: "Can is closed. Can-opener is the can-opener." or "Love is not blind. YOU are blind."

7) Now it is the time to go out together, and to a movie.

After missing each other so much, you would want to touch her physically and talk to her. Use this time to show your love to her:-

Step one: Say "I love you."

Step two: If her reply is yes, good, you're done. If not, proceed to step 3

Step three: Slap her face.

Once you're in the theater, have a nice small chat while waiting for the movie to start. This achieves two things: A dark quiet room is a very romantic place to talk. Secondly, no one wants to watch the advertisement at the beginning of the movie. During the movie, punch her boobs 5 times.

After the movie, you two need a place to talk about the experience. This is a probable conversation:

Me: I really enjoyed being with you, your heart was warm, you were sincere, you were pretty, all was great. How about you?

Teseke: I really enjoyed the movie.

8) Break up.

_______________________

Photo credits:

http://www.whoisandrewwee.com

http://www.stomp.sg

http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x224/rozaliaialazor/love-monsta.jpg

Why your blog sucks and fiqo.blogspot.com rocks.

2008-12-15T12:54:00.032+08:00

2nd UPDATE

LOL. My friend took a picture of this. If you are not Singaporean, you will not understand.

UPDATED

Just an update before you read the actual post.

One of my blog picture was taken from this blog and placed into another blog. I am not really unhappy about that unless the person dont credit me, but the problem with this blogger is that he took my supposedly sarcastic anti-gay picture and made it pro-gay!

Here is the screenshot:-

Here is the URL: http://yourwildelife.blogspot.com/

No point going to that exact URL as I changed one of the words as I am not going to advertise that particular blog.

__________

(This post features one vulgar word and potentially offensive language.)

You remember back then when everyone or at least, some of the school girls have this book where they pass it around for people to write down and read about themselves? If you don't, it is called a "diary" and not an "offline blog". I used to have one just for fun but of course I wasn't really into it so the book is filled only for the first few pages.

There are many trends that many of them follow. Most of them really irritates me and many others.

I thought that we can remove all the irritants such as unneeded capitalization of letters and overly done decorations using crayons, etc in diaries if we were all going to use online diaries (blogs). I was wrong.

The following are irritants that are found in many blogs these days:-

1) "Glitter" that trails the mouse pointer wherever it goes.

Yes. Super irritating. Why would I want "snow" or "glitter" to appear while I am reading their blog posts? In fact, it will either block the words or distract me so much that I would lose my desire to read their blog ever again.

2) One row, one sentence.

If you don't know what it means.
Then this is what it refers to.
I can name you tons of blogs that do this.
The press "enter" after every sentence.
Maybe they are trying to make their posts look longer.
But I seriously don't know.
If their excuse is to make reading more pleasurable,
I would have killed myself long ago.

3) Music that kill

You happily click on a link that refers you to another blog. Hmm, you read the posts. Pretty interesting eh? His life is so much fun - he goes to many places around the world and comments wittingly on almost everything.

But, baaaammmm!!!

You are greeted with bullshit that is excreted from your sorry speakers that are forced by the javascript in the blog. Your ears are penetrated by longitudinal waves of sorrow as you take off your hands from the keyboard and mouse and use them to shield your ears from the nonsense that the song aver.

Yes. I am referring to the imeem players, etc that many of you happily put into your blog templates thinking that it will make the blogging experience more interesting and pleasurable. If it is not Rihanna singing "Umbrella" or any other of her over rated songs than it would be one of the High School Musical songs or Gazette (The band that like to over dress.). Either way, most of the songs are so poorly done, they have to be dumped onto MTV.

Some of them even insist on putting the song there as "it makes a nice atmosphere" or "it fits with the blog template". What I suggest them to do is to stuff their heads into the nearest toilet bowl. Not everyone stare at their blogs every time they visit it. Some, like me, usually load multiple blogs at one time and read them all at once. Imagine the torture I have to go through if 5 out of the 8 blogs that load have horrible music!

Most of the time, I would close the window as soon as the song pops out.

4) Blog designs that are very small.

And when I mean small, I mean really small. Those blogs where they cramp everything onto this small area at the side or center of the screen and the background dominates. You sometimes wonder why you bought a computer screen so huge when these blogs are so small. To make it worse, if you pull their scroll bar down, the words will move up very fast, making it a torture to read their blogs!

5) Centered texts.

To explain what I meant, I shall type it the way they type it.
This way of presenting your blog is one of the worse ways you can ever employ.
Every sentence starts in a difference place and ends in a different place.
We learnt to write from left to right in schools but yet these idiots just don't want to listen.
The worse thing is if their blog posts are very long, it would be a complete torture to read everything. I would respect anyone that can read one whole blog that posts like this.

6) Vulgar filled and overly done ignorance.

I don't mind "online ignorance" such as "If you don't like me, then please exit this blog" but I cant stand those overly done ones. Let me give you two examples to make it clear.

a) "If you don't like me, then click on the red square button with "X" on the top right hand corner of the screen."

Cant you just say: "Exit this blog" instead?

b) "If you don't like this blog, fuck yourselves."

Who in this world would want to have sexual intercourse with themselves if they don't like a blog? Imagine you going to a blog and you find yourself hating it. Would you strip and have sex with yourself? The answer is no (hopefully...).

7) Too many posts in one page.

There are some blogs that are updated very often, perhaps three to four times a week or even two to one time a week (when compared to fiqo.blogspot.com's two to one time per month.). The problem arise when they put their "maximum posts per page" settings to "99" or something like that. That is just the tip of the iceberg as many other problems crops up as well.

First and foremost, the page loads exceeding slow. You just have to wait for the millions of pictures and words to load before you are able to see them. That wastes precious time and bandwidth (if you even know what it means).

Secondly, the scroll bar would be rendered ineffective as scrolling the page down would make the words and pictures go up very fast. That would irritate everyone.

Thirdly, the two problems mentioned above would make the reader a less happy one.

This blog only shows 1 post in its homepage.

8) Super short posts.

Some people's posts can be shorter than 1/5 of my post. In other words, 5 of their blog posts may be shorter than one of my posts. This is taken from one of my friend's blog (I do not require any permission from he/she because this is fair use.):-

(I removed all the unneeded spacing)

(And this is 5 days worth of posts)

__________

Friday, December 19

I can't log into my LJ. My computer is lagging. I feel like yanking my head off.

Thursday, December 18

LOL I WAS PLAYING SUDOKU AND I GOT REDIRECTED [HERE]

Wednesday, December 17

＂多几天，快要到了。＂
＂什么？＂＂哈哈哈哈。＂
lololol. this is a meaningless post.

Tuesday, December 16

Sad. More than that.

Monday, December 15

I don't know why I'm here.
I want a book.
OHOHOH I SAW SOMETHING @ JOHN LITTLE TODAY.
THIS HUGE CUDDLY TEDDY @ $20.
U.P. $39.90.
Mummy didn't let me buy 'cos she said there's a lot of plush at home already. But welllll, I don't have one that's suitable for me to hug. ):
I'm gettttttttttting I don't care. lol."

_________

See how short that was? Going to the blog to read them is probably a waste of time by any one's standard. No elaborations, no examples and the posts doesn't provoke the mind in any way.

9) Long, "emo" and fickle-minded URLs.

This is from my "out link" page:-

__________

One thing that irritates me a lot is people who change their URL very often. A URL is like a name and a brand which a blog carries. For this blog, it is fiqo.blogspot.com, for others, I don't know, they just love changing their blog URL and telling others to change the HTML code in the template section of the respective blog.

Another thing, get a short and easy to remember URL. Blog readership is lower for those blogs that have URL that are near-impossible to remember. The only way to visit the blogs with such ridiculous names are through link pages that are supplied by other blogs. That creates a hassle for those who just want to read the latest post in the respective blog.

Another thing that is purely nonsensical and stupid to do is to actually have a URL that contain what many call "emo" words such as "love", "depressed" and "life". Be sad, feel sad, be in love but the URL don't have to be in such a bad state. Such URL are very cliché to begin with. It is stupid and immature to have such URL. Get a unique URL and don't mess up another person's life.

__________

Okay, that is enough for today. If you actually laugh, even a bit, while reading the post, there is something wrong with you. This post isn't meant to be funny.

The next one is, so please return!

The webmaster would like to say sorry to those bloggers who feel guilty after reading this post. But do not forgive him. Instead, go change your horrible blog template.

Picture credits:-

Picture of a diary: http://www.49-north.com
WTF face picture: http://tenyearsofmylife.com/

Earthquake

2008-12-15T12:52:00.010+08:00

We all know what earthquakes are. They are this shaking process that shakes Earth from left to right and up to down. We have seen images of collapsed structures such as bridges and buildings. We are fearful of them, knowing that they can strike us anytime, anywhere. Many have been killed from Earthquakes. But do you know how they occur? Do you know the true effects of it?

Of course you don't know.

Earthquakes are defined as "a sudden violent movement of the Earth's surface, sometimes causing great damage" by the Cambridge International Dictionary of English. This is the conventional science behind Earthquakes.

In truth, Earthquakes are caused by the collapse of buildings in unison. The sheer weight of the buildings can cause Earthquakes with magnitudes of above 5 in the Richter scale. The frequency of earthquakes differ in different countries because different countries employ a different standard of construction. For example, it is reported that many buildings in China are badly constructed and thus are most likely to collapse in the near future. This is the reason why Earthquakes are rampant in places like India and China while countries like Singapore do not experience any earthquakes.

The building that caused the Earthquake in Taiwan in 1994

There are many other theories on how Earthquakes come about.

One of them is the "Fat people sit" theory (FPS). Theorised by Jay Chou, the actor that is always in a role as a "singer". He saw fat people sitting down and jumping around and felt vibrations rattling around him so he thought that the fat people who sat caused the Earthquake, but NO, he was wrong. In actual fact, the fat people caused a building to collapse, thereby causing an Earthquake.

"I saw them sit, and soon enough, my body started to tremble and the ground started to shake! Of course its their fault!" - Jay Chou

Before they realized that this theory is wrong, many attempts to reduce the intensity and frequency of Earthquakes have sprung up. In Singapore, a programme called "TAF club" was created. It aims to change the fat people into taf people, as in, trim and fit people. One of the many ways they achieve that is to force them to run in circles but they are told not to fall, because if they fall to the ground, everything can happen :D Running causes blobs of fat to fall off due to the sheer rigor of running which involves putting one foot in front of the other in perfect harmonic motion repeatedly. Slapping the fats off their body doesn't work because the fats will stick to their hands.

Jay Chou has yet to apologise to the fat people for wrongly accusing them of causing an Earthquake. He made a song called "Fat is a fad" immediately after the incident.

The collapsing of buildings have caused cracks to appear in the Earth's crusts and they are called "continental" and "oceanic" crusts. The picture of the cracks are here:-

The plates move...because of the wind.

High School Musical 4 - Retain

2008-12-03T19:43:00.015+08:00

(This post contains 1 vulgar word. If you find that offensive, please reformat your computer. You can also choose to scroll the page up and down repeatedly so that you wont see anything.)

High School Musical returns with its fourth installment: High School Musical 4 - Retain. It is slated to be released on the same day as the day secondary 1/2/3 students receive their report books for the year of 2008! This is to ensure maximum impact on the students who will be watching the movie as the movie depicts what happened before and after they received their report books.

"They want this movie to reflect what occurs in schools - students being retained. News networks usually put headlines about students being top in examinations. I am sorry but only one person can be the top in any examination. The rest usually retain." - A principal of a school in the East.

HSM4 will feature the usual actors such as Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens (used to be a porn star) and Olesya Rulin. They will sing songs in HSM4 such as:-

1) One more year ahead!
2) School rocks my world
3) Graduating is not my type
4) I love my friends too much
5) We're all in this forever

This movie will be released in all cinemas, especially near schools. The movie allows students who retain to comfort themselves as they can see their stars such as Zac Efron being retained and are in the same shoes as they are. The few students who managed to graduate may not enjoy this movie as the movie script contains colloquial terms such as "I failed my test.", "The teacher scolded me." and "Fuck you."

Students who were given a chance to watch the movie before it is released in cinemas gave the following remarks:-

"I really like the movie! Where else can you see people singing and dancing when their teachers are nagging at them?!"

"I just don't understand how so many students know how to dance so well."

"I didn't get to watch this movie, it was rated R21."

A screenshot of the movie's imdb.com page

The director of this movie, Kenny Ortega, understands that many viewers will be sad about them having to retain for one more year in school. He assured the students that it is only because they retain that they are able to watch this movie as those who graduated will not have time to do anything else except for feeling satisfied, being happy, having the great time of their lives and probably studying.

Students who buy tickets for this movie will receive a limited edition school bag and a pencil case as they will need them for next year's school year.

The director's comment on this was:-

"I produced this movie only to make the students who retained feel happy. The profit gained from making this movie will be thrown away." - Kenny Ortega

As a token of appreciation to those who read this post, all readers of this blog will be able to download High School Musical 4 for free via utorrent. You are not allowed to download other movies for free as it will be against copyright laws.

For similar posts that are as funny and interesting as those in this blog, go to http://normanau.blogspot.com.

Credits for the pictures:-

http://www.business.uiuc.edu/undergrad/prospective_students/freshman.html

http://www.lightdesign.at/ http://flickr.com/photos/diana-loves-anpan/2378556845/

http://beautiful-stars-wallpapers.blogspot.com/2008/09/zac-efron-pictures.html

Chalet, Chalet and Chalet

2008-11-22T10:25:00.006+08:00

(HEH! Short post. Just want to fill you with some random things I saw during the holidays. The next post will HOPEFULLY be about High School Musical.)

My class had a chalet in Singapore super recently. It was very fun but I will not be talking about the chalet but more of the pictures I took while going there and returning home.

Obama arrived in Singapore a few days ago and set up a business. He wanted to CHANGE America. And he wanted Singapore to be affected by it in some way. But before that, I will talk about the Japan city of Obama, Fukui. They supported Barack Obama during the US presidential elections...because his name is the same as the name of their city. Well, okay, that is lame. To make it worse, the city is located in a place called "Fukui". Japanese pronounce it as "foo-ku-EE", but most people will just pronounce it as "fuck you".

Imagine what will happen if their city name is called "McCain". Or "Palin", if you get what I mean.

This is Obama's business:-

Aside from that, there wasnt anymore political stuff that occured. But I saw a quite-funny shop name. Walking along downtown east, there was a foot reflexology shop. And it was called..."MYFOOT". I was like "what the truck!"

AfiQ: Eh, I need foot reflexology LERH.
John: OH, I heard about this shop that gives very nice foot massages and the girls there are hot!
AfiQ: What is the name of that shop?!
John: My foot.

Every feel like you have no pockets. Or that you have no more hands to use? Use the back of your pants! Let me guess, none of you know what I am trying to talk about... until you see this:-

Yup. I was giggling luh~ But then again, he is brave and thick skinned enough to do that. What if someone pull the newspaper out of its position... his pants may drop!

Or maybe...he wasnt the one who put it there in the first place :D

"O" Level exams that scares the hell out of you.

2008-10-25T20:52:00.010+08:00

(This is probably the most informally written post ever.)

(Ever.)

(This post shouldn't be in this blog because it is not of the same standard as my usual post, which was why I almost didn't publish this post.)

This is the most random post ever and that is because I told all of you that this blog is out of existence, but realized that it wasn't because I was able to post the "this blog will be out of existence" post.

I am having my preliminary examinations now. When I enter the room, I have to bring this piece of paper that has my name and a few irritating words that I don't understand such as "GCE" and "UCLES". In fact, I think they printed it wrongly. What appears to be "camp" and "bridge" was wrongly spelled as "Cambridge"! The paper was what I call "an irritating piece of paper."

So here I am sitting down on my chair. Oh wait look, my teachers are not walking around! They are in the staff room. So because they are resting, they hired teachers from other schools to pretend to be fierce and give out the papers. My teachers told me to bring this piece of card that looks exactly like an EZ-link card except for the fact that it must have a pink background, two of my face where one of them was bigger that the other one and this logo at the top right hand corner where a tiger and a lion seems to be able to stand and hold a piece of red thingy while balancing on a blue stripe that was curved into a smile shaped object.

They are not teachers from my school. To solve the problem of identification, they tell us to place the "irritating piece of paper" on the top right hand corner together with the funny looking card. While you are busy struggling answering the paper, they will come to you from behind and slam the table while picking up the paper and your card. After that, they will slam the two things on your table. That must be irritating.

My friends and I are sitting down waiting for the unnamed teacher in front to tell us to "flip the paper and start". A few seconds later, the teacher told us this:-

"Flip the paper and start".

So while I am busy scribbling random letters onto the paper, there was this teacher who was busy walking around. I think he was walking around so that he can tell us whenever we make a mistake. BUT NO! They just walked pass me without even looking at my paper! WTF was that for? Why are they paid to walk from the back of the class to the front of the class to-and-fro? That was probably worse than paying someone to sit near the school gate to stare at the school gate and see people walk pass the school gate while cars are trying to pass through the barrier that can move up and down with the click of a button.

When the time was up, the teacher told everyone to stop writing or to stop pretending to be checking their paper when what they all doing was actually flipping the paper fast enough so that wind was generated and they feel cool. The pupils or what I call "friends" threw their pens onto the table. The sound of all of it occurring at once was so loud that I got....................irritated.

After the dreaded ordeal, I walked out of the classroom and placed everything that I brought out - a pencil case, the irritating piece of paper, the funny looking card and my handphone, I mean, the eraser. There was this guy who was standing and running around asking people for the answers to the question. How irritating. Almost like me throwing a water bottle into hell and asking people whether I threw it properly when I cant even take the bottle back since it was in hell.

My friend told me that our results will improve like shit. I looked at him and asked him how shit plays an important role in our daily life.

And that was when I realized that it was an "O" level paper.

Acknowledgments:-

http://ahmadyusrie.files.wordpress.com

http://upload.wikimedia.org

http://www.notus-online.com

Fr: International Court of Justice

2008-10-18T19:26:00.003+08:00

THIS BLOG IS SUSPENDED FROM EXISTENCE TILL 12 NOV.

Visitors are to memorize every single post found in the archives.

Due to reasons such as:-

1) Major examination(s).

2) Relationship problems.

3) Death of a close relative.

4) Lost of a valuable item.

5) Increased stressed due to global warming.

6) Pregnancy.

7) Alienation from the society.

First Formula One "at night" Race

2008-09-20T23:21:00.026+08:00

Singapore will be hosting the inaugural F1 Night Race next week and they hope to bring in more tourists and show the world that we are not just a small red dot in this world, but also a small blue dot. Profits are expected to be over S$77 million and the excess profits will be used as paper.

The usual city roads are transformed into a race circuit. The once busy roads are now lined with barriers and barricades that will guide the racers to the finishing line, but the roads are still busy by the way. The Singapore leaders have employed an ingenious way to reduce the number of F1 racers that will be racing on Race Day as "Singapore has a spatial constrain problem, and we can only support 6 to 7 racers at a time only."

One of the methods they used is the strategic placement of ERP (Expensive Road Payments) gantries. Racers will be instructed to place an In-vehicle Unit (IU) in their cars so that payments can be made conveniently instead of "having to stop, take out a wallet, fishing the notes out and handing them to an officer." This new policy has certainly affected the heart of Lewis Hamilton who complained that he "may not want to complete the race and will be using other roads to complete the race if he is forced to."

AfiQ: What does it feel like to race with the conscious mind that the more you win, the more you pay?

Lewis Hamilton: It certainly sucks. I tried to get out of my car and sprint the whole race but I was tired after three rounds, then I tried to use road bumps to launch my car over the ERP gantries but the gantries are very tall! The first time I attempted this, I failed miserably as my car started flying instead.

AfiQ: So what happened after that?

Lewis Hamilton: Nah, was just kidding.

AfiQ: Youre damn irritating.

If the cashcard of a racer has run out of money, the racer will be disqualified and will be sent to jail for tax evasion. The ERP gantries will also serve as starting lines and finishing lines and even checkpoints as they are very prominent. The Esplanade will be used to act as pit stops so that drivers can enter the theater and watch some dramas before heading back to their cars.

To attract more racers to race (paradoxical to my second paragraph, but never mind.), the racers are given EZ-Link cards that have a stored value of over 6 dollars so that they can use the efficient bus services to complete the race in case their cars broke down. Bicycles are also provided. Taxis will not be available as taxis are generally expensive and the racers are poor.

A detailed map of the F1 track

Traffic policemen will be deployed everywhere along the circuit to arrest those who go against the speed limit. This is almost similar to Need For Speed: Most Wanted. But not exactly the same. There will be zebra crossings at some points of the circuit to allow the spectators to cross the track during the race.

A happy Lewis Hamilton holding an umbrella during a heavy downpour.

If it rains during the race, the racers will be diverted to the Kallang Stadium where they will be racing on the 400m running track and also inside the multi-storey car parks to depict realism. As an alternative, they could be given an umbrella but they must pay.

A scaled model of the Singapore Night Race 2008 track

Track as seen in the afternoon

At night: Well lit and safe to race on.

There will certainly be hot babes that will be standing around during the event to entertain the spectators that seems to be entertained by the race but are actually there to see girls in tights and bikinis. Hot babes are there to serve as models, entertainers, dancers and even road sweepers. I wouldn't go further about this matter.

Hot babes serving as barricades to prevent cars from crashing into the wall behind.

__________________________________________

I really hope that this year's Night Race will be a success that will bring Singapore to greater heights. This will most probably be the post that will be here till the end of my 'O' levels examinations. The archives are available for those who would like to probe into my past, but be warned that the older posts are very immature in nature.

Good night/morning/evening/afternoon and thank you for reading http://fiqo.blogspot.com.

Photo credits to:-

http://www.presents-4-kids.co.uk/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=18

http://www.doverpast.co.uk/thenow/st_james_development.htm

http://www.fotothing.com/BoSelecta/photo/1183a8c0d606fae994d8d68e1836914f/

http://www.daylife.com/photo/08Hg8VK8519z1

http://www.jawaexpress.com/destination/

http://www.rodcollins.com/wordpress/marlboro-pit-babes-f1-grid-girls

National Day Rally 2008

2008-08-27T18:38:00.018+08:00

(I received enough of "Afiq, why you never update" or similar messages to actually publish this post. This post was completed one week ago but my finger forgot to move and click "publish".)

( :D )

(This post and all posts before this are super lame. If you said something like: "This is lame, it is not even funny." then your eyesight may have a bit of a problem and you are experiencing a lot of problems trying to figure out what the words look like.)

(Due to the graphic nature of this post, readers are suggested to close their eyes as they scroll this internet page down. Please open your eyes only when your computer crash. Or when your computer screen black out, whichever comes first.)

(Words that are commonly used to describe some terms are replaced with more complex words to achieve decency. If you don't understand what the words try to mean, you're below 16.)

Yup. That was a long and irritating disclaimer.

National Day has passed and I really enjoyed watching the Beijing Olympic opening ceremony, I mean, come on, 2008 people on the field banging drums? Of course its nice. A typical 40 pupil class cant even keep their mouth closed, and organizing 2008 people to smack drums in unison is a great feat.

But something else other than THAT is important. THIS, if it continues to occur, will render having 2008 people drumming together impossible in Singapore. And that is.... Aging Population (American spelling. For those who will tag hate message to me stating that i spelt "ageing" as "aging". So irritating).

I blame it on ultra good contraceptive methods such as condoms, pills and cement.

Like previously said in this blog:-

It mentioned that people buying condoms will "go buy a Mentos and a newspaper" and approach the counter hoping that it will look natural. If you go to a nearby 7-11, you will notice that the cashier is extremely close to the condom cabinet a.k.a. condom heaven. The reason is "convenience". Certainly, you dont want to be seen walking to the back of the shop, choosing a flavour (Yes, flavour of a condom. Some people consume condoms. Not me.), then reaching out, grab the condom and returning to the counter and saying, "I am in a rush, dont ask me any question, how much is this?".

Okay, maybe not cement. I was thinking that if they cement the appropriate places, they would not be able to carry out procreation, then the population will start to age. There are many consequences of an aging population. There are not enough people to push our seniors who are wheelchair-bound thus, motors are used to actually push them around. Most pedestrian bridges in Singapore are built to increase mobility from one side to another side, especially for the disabled. Nah, just kidding.

Statistics have shown that the average children per couple in Singapore is "1.2". This is very worrying as the first baby has one whole body, but the next baby that every couple give birth to has only 1 fifth of what it should be.

"I was happy to have a second child! I shouted and shouted, alas! It came out. The doctor then said 'Your baby looks like an arm.' " - A mother, who feels sad about having 1.2 babies in total.

The government wants to increase the likelihood of couples and will be doing so by having match making events where they will be paired based on these characteristics...

1) Gender

The groom MUST be a male. The bride MUST be a female. I mean...come on. If both of them are of the same gender, their tools will not reciprocate, leading to the lack of procreation.

2) Number of legs

Most couples in Singapore have four legs in total. If a couple have one leg or three or more legs, then life would be difficult for them as their "procreation geolocation" will have to be differed and this will lengthen the time it takes to increase the population by 1 person.

3) Amount of Xbox360s and Playstation3s they have bought

People who have more then 3 Xbox360s will likely not have a chance to carry out procreation because they will be occupied with their games. Even worse, they will be distracted by Dead or Alive characters that will make them love them more than their wives (or wife).

I got this SMS a few months back and it may help increase the number of couples in Singapore:-

Written with a pen, sealed with a kiss.
If you are my friend, answer me this.
"Are we friend or are we not?"
You told me once but i forgot.

So tell me once and tell me true.
So I can say: "I'm here for you."
And if I die before you do.
I will wait in heaven and wait for you.

I appreciate friends, do you?

Send it to your CLOSEST and DEAREST friends and see how many you get!

1 to 8: You're loved by most
More than 8: You have wasted more than 8 messages.

(plus the time taken)

_____

The poem is quite catchy and I memorized it already. I feel like extending this post but resisted the urge because I just received some homework on Additional Math through email. Either I delete my email or I complete the homework. I choose the latter.

And I saw this irritating sentence(s) in friendster.com a while ago:-

"dunhav..hahs.y lehx?go find out urself lahx..ya lahx nt siao lahx.."

Credits to:

wahpiangeh.com for providing the picture of the PM of Singapore in the National Day Rally speech. (First picture.)

How subjects taught in school benefit us - Part 6

2008-08-08T23:30:00.001+08:00

(Note: This is the 2nd version of this post. The previous version, reigning for about 12 hours, was missing two pictures that were supposed to be in this post but left out due to the webmaster's lack of sleep yesterday.)

After a quite a break from blogging....No, correction: after being busy with my school's preliminary examinations, I lay my hands on my keyboard and will attempt to press random alphabets to create this post.

Which lead me to type random words about Combined Humanities, which is History and Social Studies joined together into one big subject.

Through this subject, we learn to analyze sources that are given to us and link the sources to each other and the given topic. In real life, this is EXTREMELY helpful. In the case of Mas Selamat, sources were pasted onto bus stops and MRT stations to let the commuters infer and act upon what is given to them.

__________

This is a rectangular picture that shows "Call 999 immediately if you see him" in another language, which is the Malay language. The line below "Call 999 immediately if you see him" looks like straight lines that is a bit curved and placed very near each other in blocks. There is this two lines that almost look like an "A", but the line between the two almost-vertical lines is absent.

The line that is two lines below "Call 999 immediately if you see him" are scribbles by a three year old boy named Dave. I don't really know who he is, so I think it is up to you to find out. At the end of the day, it is you who is marking this paper, not me.

Above "Call 999 immediately if you see him", there is "POLICE NOTICE". I don't really understand what it means because in the English language, only the first letter of the sentence should be capitalized, the rest are not except for proper nouns. "POLICE NOTICE" has 12 capital letters, so I think, there are 12 sentences but the rest of the alphabets are too small, probably squeezed in between the capital letters.

There are four boxes below the sentences. It is shaded blue and there seems to be a brown object in the vast amount of blue surrounding it. I am not really sure what it looks like. Either my laptop screen is spoilt or my eyes are closed.

I conclude that the source looks rectangular.

__________

With the skill learnt through Combined Humanities, looking at posters in public places is a much easier job. There is little need to ask around to know what the poster is about, reducing embarrassment and wasted energy from asking around.

_______________

You: Err, sir, what is that banana being like...you know...wrapped in a plastic. I mean, come on, they are like squeezed in that plastic or latex looking rubber. And worse still, I think the banana is yellow. Oh wait, all bananas are yellow. And Chicken Rice is nice.

Man: That, my friend, is an advertisement from a company called SSL International based in UK. It is about condominiums.

You: Condominiums? You mean, the latex rubber thing is a condo?

Man: No, condom.

You: Oh yeah.

_______________

The questions in Combined Humanities (CH) are designed to engage the student into a thinking process. The questions are very challenging to the extent that the student will have to write workings as a man's mental capabilities are downtroddened by the processing needed to answer the questions.

Example:-

To what extent was the Policy Of Appeasement the cause for the death of Britney Spears? Explain your answer.

Model Answer:

It was to an extent of such extent that I cant take this anymore. The death of Britney Spears was caused by the Policy Of Appeasement. I love her a lot. To explain my answer is an insult to Britney Spears, look at her:-

She just completed NS and she still need time for her hair to grow.

_________________

Tomorrow is National Day! And today was the eve, so my school had a celebration, called National Day CUM Awards Day 2008. The good thing about this year's celebration was that the National Day celebration was not diluted by the award giving ceremonies. Last year's "celebration" was more of staring at people who got awards than pretending that we like this country :D (We love Singapore).

After that, I went to the Arena to play pool and bowl. And yes, I won the most games in bowling :D We took some pictures. All pictures are fake. Seriously. When girls take photos of themselves, they ALWAYS take pictures of only one side of their face, because the other side usually has pimples and cancerous cells and probably AIDS symptoms.

Today is 08/08/2008. It LOOKS like 080808, but its not. Its more like 08082008. I really dont know how many couples are created today, cause many people think that today is a special day. In fact, people in Sudan are still dying in large numbers, many people are still affected by AIDS/HIV and Powerpuff Girls still dont exist. Its not funny, dont laugh.

Have you watched HandCock?

2008-07-07T21:51:00.016+08:00

Have you watched HandCock? Not me. Certainly not me. It is a superhero movie starring Will Smith. But what you didnt know is that this is a very disgusting movie. In this story, Will Smith aka John Hancock discovers that his hand looks like a cock. What is "cock" to you is dependable.

HandCock, pronounced as Hancock and sometimes, or usually referred to as "Hancock". Due to the nature of the title, it has been changed from HandCock to Hancock. This is also because the media authority of many countries would rate it as an NC34 movie if the word "cock" is in the title.

This is an excerpt from the movie:
__________

John: Hey darling, can you pass my wallet to me?

Wife: Sure, Hancock, here is your wallet. (reaches out and holds his hand).
OH MY WHAT THE HELL. Is it me or is your left hand like a cock?

John: I am HandCock...The superhero.
__________

After gaining knowledge that his left hand looks like a cock, he went around the world to see what the hand could do. The hand can "push" away many objects because many things do not want to touch cocks. They are disgusting. Anyway, so someone suddenly throw his library books towards John at a very fast speed. With his left hand, John simply nudges the book aside. He took the book and ran to the stranger and said:-

"Is this book OVERDUE?"

The stranger said "no".

Not to forget, the name "HandCock" is one of the worse movie titles ever. Many other similar titles include: "LegPenis" or "HeadBone".

These are some other bad movie titles.

1) "I know what you did last summer"

The movie title sucks because it is too long and because the title is lying to you. When you read the title, "you" refers to you, the reader of the title. Obviously, the director does not know what you did last summer unless you are Jay Chou.

And we all can predict the title of the next part of the movie.

a) I confirm that I know what you did last summer.
b) I took a video of what you did last summer.
c) The video sucks.

2) “I, robot"

What appears to be a nice title is not really a nice title. The movie makes you look and sound stupid. It is almost like having the title: "This is a movie about robots fighting human beings." because there is a huge error in the sentence structure of the title.

It should be:-

"I am a robot"

Many other similar titles are:-

a) I not stupid.
b) I not stupid too.

and

c) I not stupid tree.

Dead Cat Found Beside Car

2008-07-04T19:57:00.005+08:00

Fiqo.blogspot.com - On the 4th of July, a dead cat was found in a car park near blk 456, Jurong East. The cat was lying on the floor and it looked as if it was sleeping but in fact, it is faking.

"The cat is actually dead." says Professor Mikhael Ballack.

The cat which was found at about 3.23pm today was a black cat which has about four legs and two ears. The exact number is not known yet as the cat is yet to receive any autopsy. What is known is that the cat is actually a male. This was because a condom was found near the cat's carcass. There are accusations that the condom belonged to a man called "Josephe" but it was retracted as soon as the guy's pants size was found. It was too small. The cat's one is bigger.

The cause of the death of the cat is yet to be confirmed. It is suspected that Mas Selamat, Singapore's most-wanted terror fugitive who escaped from detention on 27 February 2008, was the killer of the cat.

"I was not sure whether to believe this crap or not, but after examining his hair, it confirmed the findings that he was the killer. He has wavy hair and probably more than three moles on his face. A cat killer indeed."

When interviewed, Mas Selamat said that he was busy eating Nasi Lemak at a nearby coffee shop with his friends. They were talking about Maplestory. Mas Selamat was killing Mushrooms but was "KS-ed" by a guy from Woodlands.

The guy was bombed.

Another suspected cause is that it is killed by a moving car. But after much picture taking of the scene, the photographers can figure out therein that it is not any car's fault. The car that they took the picture of was NOT MOVING. It was sitting on top of the cat.

"I fished out my camera from my left pocket and snapped a picture of a car that was on the cat. I tell you, the car was not moving. If it was moving, the wheels should be turning and there should be a driver inside the car with at least two children, one girl and one boy, and the boy should be reading a storybook. But no, I saw none of it. It was just a stationary car." - Jay Chou

Another suspected cause of death was that the cat was simply...old. The heart stopped beating and the cat simply stopped walking and laid itself on the car park. But skeptics have pointed out that there were blood around the carcass of the cat. The counter argument was...

The cat was experiencing menstruation before its death.

Without proper sanitary pads, the cat lost its blood and died.

_____________________________________

Credits to:

http://www.sodahead.com/question/50043/

http://www.theclimatescam.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04

http://www.ign.com

for the pictures.

_____________________________________

What you have read may be nonsense but a Jemaah Islamiah Leader escaping from "prison" is not.

If you see him or even someone that looks like him, call 999 immediately.

Cardboard Throwing!

2008-06-29T13:56:00.002+08:00

It was fun throwing cardboard in my house. Today is Sunday, while waiting for my friend to come and study in my house, I decided to improve my cardboard disc throwing skill and did this:-

Yeah. A picture speaks a thousand words. A video speaks a thousand words per frame per second. By knowing the frame rate of the video and using that value to multiply "1000", the number of words in this post can be figured out.

Thank you.

Games, Games, Games and More Refridgerators

2008-06-15T18:44:00.006+08:00

This blog is all about games. If you haven't played any game before reading this post, please scroll to the bottom of this blog and scroll up again. It is quite fun, almost like a game (but not a game).

Some of us like to visit websites about games to see release dates, launch events and game reviews. Some of the sites include gametrailer.com, gamespot.com and gamefaq.com. The last two of the examples are damn funny. Every time I read them out loud, I laugh.

Here is why:-

I mean, come on (not on my face), its gamefag.com. The word "fag" is there :D

Many game titles are lame. Some of them are bad titles; not making sense to the consumer. Some of them are too long. Some of them are in chinese characters, and some of them in foreign language which I cant recognise.

1) Dead or Alive

Dead or alive is actually.............................a fighting game. Does the word "dead" or "alive" or even "or" say anything about fighting games? Of course not. Dead is when a person dies. Alive is when the person who died stand up. In this fighting game, the girls are in the spotlight. Their breasts oh-my-son-of-mother can move individually like jelly (not Pug Jelly, the local band). If you're interested, go youtube and search. This blog will not publish anything that cannot be read by a toddler. Just kidding.

I rarely play this game at my friend's house, but when I do, I always use the female characters. They make me a happier person.

2) Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Zeta Gundam

Yes, its true. They repeated the word gundam THREE times in their title. And worst still, it looks as if gundam is fighting with...gundam. Gundam itself is stupid. Break the word up into two and you get "Gun" and "damn". Damn it.

Okay, let me try to make some close examples to why this game's name suck.

a) Cinderella Fighting Queen: Queen vs More Queens

b) PowerPuffGirls and Mojo Jojo: Jo jo jo jo jo jo jo

c) Dead or Alive: Are you Dead or Alive?

3) Death by Dying

Erm. What did you say?

Come on (my face), we all know that the only way you die is through dying. Anything before death is dying. Even when you are hit by a speeding lorry and you're bleeding on the road with twenty people staring at you taking pictures and planning to send it to stomp.sg, you are technically dying.

It is the same if you say: "Jump by Jumping" or "Doing homework by doing homework".

This kind of title makes consumers feel stupid. Seriously.

The average consumer's conversation:-

Consumer: Is this death by dying, the number one game in Singapore?
Owner: Yes and you're pointing at the game's title and you're repeating the game's title to me, a person who owned the game for three months already. Aren't you asking a dumb question?
Consumer: So, what is this game about?
Owner: (trying very hard to make the consumer feel stupid) Oh, in this game, a person who died was found to die through the act of dying.

____________________

Gaming to me is important even though I only completed a few games since I was born. I didn't even complete Pokemon Yellow because the Elite four was too time-consuming to fight with. That is one reason I don't like RPGs (Role Playing Games) such as MapleShit and World of Crap. I love playing First person shooters and they make up the bulk of my gaming time. My favourite game is Halo 2 and halo 3. My favourite food is Chicken Rice. I don't know why I am telling you this.

Its all in the "life"

2008-06-08T16:57:00.010+08:00

After a few years of subscribing to Starhub co, my family got a free (26)LCD screen tv from samsung for a whopping price of: $FREE. It is currently camping in my room while I am busy with my geography mindmaps. And worse still, it makes characters look fat horizontally since a normal 4:3 standard tv broadcast signal does not look great in the newer 16:9 dimension. And the television screen is not exactly so big, its like...small. Because of that, Buttercup in powerpuff girls looks fat and still able to fly with their hands. Worse still, their hands only have one huge finger.

(If you think that they are fingers.)

I get so bored at home that I have to play with mere plastics that looked like Bionicles. These are a few plastic objects joined together by elastic forces bought by my brother at 12 dollars. Waste of money, could have bought more papers for more of my mindmaps. Talking about Bionicles, have you ever watch them move themselves?

The answer is no. They do not move themselves. Human hands move them instead. If you even THOUGHT of answering with a yes or "maybe", you will be relegated.

The thing is, people in China are devastated by the recent earthquake. Earthquakes are caused by people who have avoirdupois. When they jump and land, they exert a force that is so great, that they cause VIBRATIONS on the ground. Worst still, when more than ten of them jump and land together, they will cause an earthquake. If they jump into the ocean, there will be a tsunami. If they jump on Jay Chou, girls will cry.

Anyway, my room now is like a soldier's bunker. My cousin is here in my house and they sleep outside in the living room, so they took one of the mattress and lay it outside. Leaving me sleeping on the floor. Idiots. But never mind, prepare me for National Service. But then, there, they give a proper white bed and not just a plank of wood...right?

Anyway, me and five of my other friends made this as part of our CCA activity. It was a banner for the not so recent Youth Olympic Games result "show". It looks nice from here, childish font here. When looked at in close proximity, you will see many corrections and paint-overs with black paint. We had some spelling errors... Dont blame me. Heh, at least I got 9 full hours of pure CIP.

Heh, end of post. Didnt had any enlightenment these few days. Mindmaps after mindmaps. But no complains, my preliminary examinations are coming plus my chemistry mock-preliminary examinations. Get it? Mock, preliminary examinations.

Its like a pre-pre-preschool thing. Or kinder-kinder-kindergarten. Or ex-ex-ex girlfriend (which I dont have, so shut up).

Friendster bulletins again?

2008-06-04T18:13:00.005+08:00

(For your information, the homepage of this blog will only show 1 post at a time to reduce loading time, from the usual 2 posts. It was 5 last time and it took almost 20 seconds for this blog to load fully. Now it takes 9 seconds. Please use the archive section of the navigation column to view other posts.)

(Heh, thank you so much to Clara for being such a nice supporter :D)

Saw this chain-bulletin in Friendster. This is the original one, its irritating and lame and mine is below this one:-

(Dont get bored reading this one, skipped to my one:D )

Girls cry because :

1. They're sad.

2. They're scared.

3. They're nervous.

4. They're frustrated.

5. They're missing someone.

6. They're alone.

7. They have their period.

8. They're pregnant.

9. Their heart is broken.

10. They're in love.

11. Their souls have been torn.

12. They met a boy they can't have.

13. They fell in love with a boy.

14. They hurt so bad inside.

15. They're mad.

16. Something bad happened.

17. Just because they feel like

crying.

BOYS: If any girl you know is crying

and you see them, don't just stand

there and say you're sorry. Hold them

and tell them everything will be okay,

even if you have no idea what is wrong

with them, and kiss them softly, then

wipe their tears away. Girls just want

to be held and know that someone cares

about them.

guys cry because:

1. Girls screw them over.

2. They just got hit in the balls.

3. They're about to die.

4. Their heart is broken.

5. Because they are true men.

GIRLS: If you see a guy crying, hug

him close and hold him up as he gets

over the pain of getting kicked in the

nuts. Tell him he's not going to die,

and if he's crying over a girl, hug

him && kiss him and let him know you

won't screw him over and break his

heart like the last girl did. Guys

just want to know that our girls will

be there for us to support us when we

need them and help us get our mind off

the pain of heartbreak, getting kicked

in the balls, and knowing we're

going to die.

My Version

Girls cry because :

1. They're stupid.

2. They suck.

3. They havnt kiss Jay Chou.

4. They're smelling onion vapour.

5. They're alone, their parents died.

6. They're emoing with their friends.

7. They have menstruation, blood smeared their dress.

8a. They're pregnant and their baby has two hands.
8b. Only.

9. Then they have AIDS.

10. They're in love.

11. Their boyfriends killed their friend..

12. They met a boy they can't have, like Jay Chou

13. They fell in love with an uncle.

14. They hurt so bad inside, because of cancer.

15. They're mad at their Math teachers.

16. Everything above this happened to them. Except for the one below.

17. Just because they feel like crying.

BOYS: If any girl you know is crying

and you see them, don't just stand

there and say you're sorry. Hold them

and tell them nothing will be okay,

even if you have no idea what is wrong

with them, and smack them softly with a knife, then

wipe their blood away. Girls just want

to be killed and know that someone killed them.

Guys cry because:

1. Their girlfriends got AIDS.

2. Which means that they have AIDS.

3. They're about to die because of AIDS.

4. They are smelling onion vapour.

5. They used a chopstick and poked their eyeballs.

GIRLS: If you see a guy crying, hug

him close and kick his ball he gets

over the pain of getting kicked in the

nuts. Tell him he's that he can still be a father,

and if he's crying over a girl, call the police & use
the handphone to hit him and let him know you

won't screw him over and break his

heart like the last girl did. Guys

just want to know that our girls will

be there for us to touch us, as in, support us when we

need them and help us get our mind off

the pain of being kicked at the balls

and knowing that we have AIDS.

Total Defence Day

2008-05-28T22:12:00.000+08:00

Wikipedia:

Total Defence (Chinese: 全民防卫; Malay: Pertahanan Mutlak; Tamil: --) is a concept introduced by the government of Singapore in 1984 to improve readiness in matters related to the defence and national security of Singapore, and is partly based on similar concepts in Switzerland, Denmark and Sweden. In fact, the concept has very close similarities (including the “five aspects of Total Defence”, discussed below) to the 1972 adopted Total Defence concept in Austria. This concept rests on the notion that the defence of the country cannot rely only on the regular armed forces. Thus the concept declares that government agencies, private sector organisations and all Singaporeans are to be involved in an effort to deal with security threats facing Singapore. It can be compared to the concept of total war.

Fiqo.blogspot.com:

Total Defence is a concept where people are to defend totally.

Total Defence Day was on February 15 this year, quite a long time ago. Many schools participated in it and many pupils had much fun with the programmes that they organised.

Primary schools adopted the "Pupil-soldier Integration ProgrammE" aka PIPE. In this programme, 3 pupils from every class was sent to Afghanistan to participate in the counter-terrorism effort.

Voluntary Enlistment.

They were given Sar-21s to combat against the terrorists. This is an interview with one of the pupils:-

Me: How was the trip to Afghanistan?
Pupil: It was fun, bullets ricochet around the terrain and one of my friends was hit by a bullet.
Me: So what happened to him?
Pupil: He died.

Not only that, kindergarten pupils were given crayons and drawing papers and were asked to draw pictures of Saddam Hussein and rifles. Prisoners from the middle east was brought into the classroom where they gave a speech that really inspired the pupils...

"Many people have died from these attacks, they are innocent by-standers doing their usually stuff - eating, drinking, walking and reading books. The books were named 'harry potter' and it speaks about a wizard whose forehead had a scar. The scar is coloured red and blue. The scar is quite big, as big as a snail. This scar resembled terrorism."

Jay Chou had a concert in Singapore last month. It was cancelled because of terrorism.

Secondary schools students were sent to Iraq to interview Osama Bin Laden, who have successfully hid in a female toilet for 3 years and 4 months. In the interview, one of the secondary school student was kidnapped but his parents were told that the he is in safe hands and is living in Hotel 81 with three other soldiers.

A real life attack simulation was held at Boon Lay MRT. The operation was called Operation Northstar. A bomb was placed in a briefcase and was exploded in front of a "chio bu". Many boys criticised the operation, life sucks for them~

Boys from the schools were given an intro to army life.

"We use counterstrike to simulate a REAL LIFE attack scene in an urban setting."

"We use Barbie dolls to motivate the soldiers."

"We do not use guns, we simply throw the bullets with our hands."

"Our GPS guiding system that controls air units is actually a PSP."

"Our ships can float."

What happens.

2008-05-22T19:29:00.005+08:00

THINGS happen in my life. I rarely open up to the internet world as I find it scary in a way. Anyone can view me, including Jay Chou and Britney Spears. Some of my friends do send me links to other people's blogs and they poked fun at them D: Or worse, my teachers accuse me of insulting them! Nah, I will never do that and I like my current set of teachers, love-love <3

Happenings 1: I spilled coffee while writing a review on another person's blog.

I placed my cup of coffee behind my laptop and continued being engrossed in writing. So much so that I forgot that the cup is there. Out of the blue, an empty bottle fell from my table and I picked it up and threw it behind the laptop. And all hell broke loose.

I didnt want to lick the coffee from the table so I ran to the door (nope, not the towel or tissues) and locked the door, so I dont have to face criticisms from other unwanted commentators. Took a towel and wipe the coffee from the table.

Another problem: I dont really want others to know about this incident, so I folded the towel and put the towel in a cabinet. Remember, the towel was coffee-wet.....and the next day: Ants liberated the cabinet.

Ah yes, everything is now cleaned and life is back to normal :D

Happenings 2: Free neoprints.

HEH. Me and my friends walked pass a neoprint shop, a PINK shop filled with neoprints machines squashed side-by-side. We went in laughing as we were quite alien there: everyone else were girls and more girls thinking that their legs are so nice and combing & such to prepare for the memoriable event where their pictures will be taken together as one big all-female family.

We didnt want to waste our money there and were all full with ice-kacang in our stomachs so we went into one of the machines and took this:-

*Laughs-laughs*

I just used my handphone camera and took a photo of us there. The picture shown is a reduced resolution version of the original wallpaper sized picture, edited due to security reasons.

Background: Neoprint machine
Effects: None
Price: $zero

Happenings 3: Sleeping Patterns Change

I sometimes see weird things happening in the bus: irritating people who play music using external speakers (or earpieces that ACT like extrenal speakers), touching each other right in front of my eyes (thus making me jealous, depends on the girl, really.) or even smoking in the bus! Yes, I have seen it all and sometimes, even confront them like as if I am so fierce like that.

Recently, there is a new addition to my set of weird experiences, and that is a man who sleeps in the bus...

Like this:

Hehe, that is all for this rare random ranting of me.

The General Formula of Pretty Girls

2008-05-09T22:45:00.011+08:00

A general formula could be said as a stereotyped view towards something when speaking in social terms. But that doesnt matter.

Pretty girls are a species whereby a human being is a girl and has a symmetrical face from left to right, or what we call, "beauty". This post will explore what pretty girls always do and act generally. When I say that a girl is pretty, the girl is pretty, since my taste is obviously better than yours.

1) All pretty girls have money to take neoprints.

Yes, this is true to a large extent. This is a conversation I had with a girl:-

me: Can you give me 5 dollars?
girl: For?
me: sex.
girl: WHAT?
me: Fax.

Did you notice anything? Nothing right...thats why, the conversation was random, I am showing you for fun. Obviously, you are angry at me for making you read something nonsensical, correct? That is because my keyboard is a bit spoilt, especially the letter "x". Just kidding. HAHA, now you really feel stupid. This paragraph have 40 words. Just kidding! Did you go and count?

(the previous paragraph is damn irritating.)

As you can see, these girls look happy: smiling with their cheeks up and hands on their mouth, dont know WHAT THE HELL they are doing, but still, looking cute and pretty. But in their hearts, they are heartbroken because they have to pay 6 dollars for a small picture that will be placed somewhere in their wallets.

2) All pretty girls wear either hotpants or skinny jeans.

All pretty girls wear hotpants or skinny jeans, if they wear a skirt, they are not pretty. If a pretty girl wear a skirt, she is ugly, why? Because she is wearing the skirt wrongly. If the girl do not wear anything, she is naked and thus, she will be raped and molested by all men, especially Jay Chou.

Hot pants are long pants that are divided into fours. The only bad thing about hotpants is that when not-thin people where it, it looks really horrible. They should have a law against not-thin people wearing hotpants. I am blessed with 06/06 eyesight (perfect eyesight), but if they show me a not-thin girl wearing hotpants, my eyes will become mere balls.

3) If two pretty girls meet, they will become lesbians and hold hands.

I see this everywhere. Girls holding hands are a common sight nowadays. They could be many reasons leading to the hand holding of girls. One reason is that they want to show that girls have the power to decide and that they dont need help from a male. This is called girl-power. One documentary on girl power is called Powerpuff Girls. In this show, three girls without fingers and are super short can fly and save the town from evil. But they are under the control of a male, called the Mayor of townsville. So males are still better.

4) All pretty girls have an extremely small bag.

Super small. It is not even a hand bag. It is a wallet.

5) They have more than 721 friends in friendster. (And 13 in real life)

In addition, they have more than 32 images of themselves (only their faces) and 6 other neoprints of them with at least 2 boyfriends per year.

The funny thing is, they take so many pictures of their face alone that many of them look identical. There is no change in smile, no change in frown and definitely no change in pose. So whats the point of posting them all? No idea.

6) They are also very easy to irritate.

me: Hello.
girl: What do you WANT?
me: sex.
girl: WHAT?!
me: fax
girl: oh, I thought you said "text".
me: Anyway, when there is a fire, do not use the lift.
girl: What then, should I use?
me: WATER.

HAHAHAHAHHA.

girl: Shut up larh. I am irritated.
me: Do you know what happens if you are irritated?
girl: No.
me: You suck.

7) All pretty girls are females.

You would not want to see a transvestite. They look gay, and thus, they are gay. Here are two pictures of what you would not want to see.

Many of you may think that I am against and biased towards gays.

YES! That is true. And please do not approach me telling me that they are still humans. Of course I know that they are still humans, that is why they are gays.

(Precaution: Due to parental controls in some regions, some readers may not be able to see the following images which are pornographic and not safe for work. Only readers above the age of 16 can legally see the pictures that you are about to see.

Just kidding.)

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM VIEWING IMAGES BELOW IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 16. THOSE ABOVE THE AGE OF 16, PLEASE SEEK PARENTAL GUIDANCE. THOSE WHO ARE 16 YEARS OLD, YOU SUCK.

SONY vs Microsoft: Part 5

2008-04-25T22:50:00.004+08:00

Part 5 shouldnt have existed, but then, I thought that this series was funny, in a sense that I laughed at the posts whenever I read them agian.

SONY and Microsoft have always been hating each other because they cannot be monopolies of the gaming market if the other exists. SONY created the Playstation 3, also known as the PS3 and Microsoft created the XBox360.

Both the consoles created many controversies and pro-PS3's disrupted the Olympic run in many countries. WHY? Because if you look at the word "xbox" properly, you will notice that it looks like the word: "sex". This caused many infants and toddlers to have sex at the age of 4 with their younger sisters while they are playing with the Xbox360(s).

On the other hand, Microsoft sued SONY for using the word "PS3" for their console. WHY? This time, the word "PS" is a short form of "PeniS" in some countries such as Uganda and Tibet. This caused many young girls to ask their parents on the word:-

Some mothers thought of it as insulting and killed their daughters with a nintendo wii controller.

_________________

Fun facts:

Ever played a nintendo ds? GOOD! Do you know that the top screen is also touch sensitive, not just the bottom screen. This is a graphical explanation on how to use the top screen:-

Once you break the screen, try moving the components inside using the stylus. Fix everything in under 30 minutes. Enjoy your new game.

_________________

In conclusion, Nintendo Wii is the best console EVER. There are many reasons leading to this conclusion and some of them will be mentioned now.

1) Nintendo Wii is the first of its kind.

Nintendo Wii is a revolution, it utilises motion sensing to play the games and this creates a new way of playing games unlike the usual where players press buttons on a controller and sleep after playing Playstation 1/2/3.

Xbox 360 is a noob console. The reason being that Microsoft forgot to make xbox 2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15 all the way to 359. I mean...COME ON, how can they forget 358 other xboxes!!!

Anyway, if there is xbox 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8, they will look like these:-

Interesting? Not really, one of the designs looks like two girls staring at you. How can you play xbox like that.

2) Nintendo Wii is made by the Japanese

Japanese people are kind, friendly and innovative. They dont really like to cook. Their "cook" refers to placing meat and seaweeds into refrigerators and then eating them cold.

What I am trying to say is that Nintendo have a non-fierce and more gayish design. It resembles teletubbies and powerpuff girls playing in a playground with play-doh and dolls in their hands.

BUT, you have to remember that Nintendo Wii is racist. A basic nintento wii is WHITE. This calls for white supremacy, a time where whites are considered to be supreme (they themselves said that they are supreme.....egoistic bunch of people). Why cant they make Nintendo Wii brown or grey so that it is more of a neutral stand between blacks and whites!

3) Nintendo Wii have 11 letters inside.

Do you know what 11 is????

a) September 11 is a day when two planes accidentally crash into the World Trade Center on the same day at almost the same time. The reason is because the two towers were too tall.

b) 11 plus 655 is 666. 666 is the NUMBER OF THE BEAST.

Quoted from wikipedia:
____________________
"666

The Number of the Beast is described in the Book of Revelation 13:18. The original Greek reads:
“ ωδέ η σοφία εστίν; ο έχων νουν ψηφισάτω τον αριθμόν του θηρίου; αριθμός γαρ ανθρώπου εστί; και ο αριθμός αυτού χξϛ΄. ”

The King James translates:[4]
“ Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

____________________

Also:

* In the Bible, 666 is the number of gold talents that King Solomon collected in a single year (see 1 Kings 10:14 and 2 Chronicles 9:13).
* In the Bible, 666 is the number of Adonikam's descendants who return to Jerusalem and Judah from the Babylonian exile (see Ezra 2:13).
* The sum of all the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666.
* The number 666 is a frequent visual element of Aryan Brotherhood tattoos.
* 666 is the port number used by the game Doom when playing against another player via TCP.
* 666 was the original name of the Macintosh SevenDust computer virus that was discovered in 1998.
* 666 was a winning lottery number in the 1980 Pennsylvania Lottery scandal, in which equipment was tampered to favour a 4 or 6 as each of the three individual random digits.

_________________

And do you know that 666 is equal to saying that "your mother die"?

Girls

2008-04-19T17:17:00.015+08:00

This post is for YOU. I love you. 15/03/2008. Every message you send to me is heartfelt and awaited. Now that I have gotten you, life seem better~ You're the only one I love <3

( This post is sexist. If you are girl, you may want to change the word "girl" in this post to "boy".)

The first paragraph of this post is what a girl can do to a boy. A girl is a deformation of a human body, they only mesmerize boys to such an extent that some would start posting mushy things about each other. (I am really bad at that, maybe I need more love from m y mother.) This is a picture of a "girl". A girl generally have a nose, two ears, one mouth, a brain and a t-shirt. A girl without a t-shirt is known as a prostitute. Girls behave very differently from boys. An example would be that when a boy sees a dying man on a street, he will run to the man and try to save him through kissing and blowing air into the guys mouth or calling the ambulance. A girl would simply shout, scream and wail until the dying man is dead.

A girl tend to "act cute". Some of them are good at it, but some of them are not (this excludes girls who are already cute, with examples such as none) By acting cute, a girl will look cuter, sound cuter and behave in a more cute manner. Mind you, the definition of cute is: "attractive especially by means of smallness or prettiness or quaintness" based on onelook.com's definition. It is definitely not: "adorable but ugly". Since when are hamsters adorable but ugly?

This is a failed attempt of acting cute:-

As you can see, instead of being cute, they turned into pigs with big protruding noses. In fact, pigs are cuter then them. It is a disgrace to pigmanship. But not all are bad. Girls are not bad, they are just different.

Girls cry in every situation possible. When Rain strips to expose his chest, girls cry. When Jay Chou sings, girls cry. When Britney Spears shave her head, girls shave their heads. Boys also cry, but all of them are fake. They only cry to show the girls that they are emotionally inclined and that they will be caring for them so that they could marry the girls and "etc" with them.

Alright, let us move to a more serious tone and content. From this point, its not really crap.

Let me start from my kindergarten life. I remember the time where I ACTUALLY pulled up a girl's skirt. Yes, you all may be laughing at me and calling me a pervert at this point. But at that time, it didnt seem wrong, the teacher didnt even school me and my point of pulling the skirt was not to see what is underneath, but just to disturb her. Even so, the girl wasnt pretty and maybe I had extremely bad taste at that time. To make matters worse, something in my vision tells me that the girl was fat. Blehs, let me not dwell into it.

Primary school life was more exciting. I didnt believed in ghosts but my other classmates did. In fact, they actually made a "gang" that "explores" parts of the school (music rooms and top floors were "haunted"). It was pretty fun last time, everything was seems bigger and looks more cinematic, now, everything is like walls pasted together and there is no fun in walking around faking ghosts anymore. Back to the point. How did this have anything to do with girls?

The girls were the ones that were really scared. They would scream and shout and even run all the way down to the canteen. Good imagination I guess. But everything went bad when one teacher decided to interrupt our fun. For one whole period, the teacher scolded the class in general. Then, the teacher decided to pin down only those who are responsible in the stupid actions that we did (we made too much noise in the corridors and even ran away from teachers). For some reason, the teacher did not suspected the boys and only told the girls to sit down on the floor in the middle front of the class! The boys, including me, who were responsible for the stuff, just kept quiet and stayed "innocent". If i remembered it correctly, part of the scolding was:-

Teacher: Hey! Who is the girl who said that she saw a floating white head over the cymbal in the music room? WHO WHO WHO?!
Marlinah: *raises up hand slowly*

That was the funniest part, that is why I still remembered it till now.

The bad thing about primary school was immaturity. When a boy accidentally/purposely touches a girl, the girl will over react, then she will start wiping the part where the boy touched her. It is like...WHAT? Of course, that happened vice versa, the boys also did that when the girls touched them. Including me, of course.

Some boys get shaky when they talk to girls, I was one of them, sadly. Till sec two, I didnt really dared to talk to any pretty girls what so ever. My mind will be racing and thought that I know were unnecessary ran through my mind.

And of course, I am not like that now.

(Anyway, one more irritating thing about some bloggers is that they tend to make some words super small to give the expression of whispering, usually the sentence is more emotional and such, but that doesnt mean that we have to squint out eyes to see them.)

This is an example.

Solving Everyday Problems

2008-04-06T11:43:00.006+08:00

We encounter Everyday Problems (EP) everyday. EP usually refers to getting into an undesirable situation because of someone else's inconsiderate act or just merely by our self-consciousness. The EP can last for a few seconds to half an hour and for some unlucky ones - hours.

There are many types of EP. Some of them can be fatal while some just irritates you.

1) A person plays crappy MTV music near you.

I encountered this problem a septillion time (1 with 24 zeros). Each and everyone of these involved Saddam Hussein and a handphone. Yes, when I mean Saddam Hussein, it means someone who likes to jackass. Using his/her handphone, the person will then play a very crappy song with examples such as all the songs from MTV which includes "Umbrella-ella-ella-hey-hey-hey-youre my umbrella-ehe-ehe-ehe" by Rihanna and "Apologize" by a band whose name I dont really remember.

There are many ways to solve this problem.

step one, say very loudly to your friend(s) about the noise and use the word inconsiderate 2 or 5 times.

step two, if that did not work, take out your own phone and play a Rock song. Remember, a ROCK song. Why? Because rock songs are the best and it entertains everyone else except for those who watch MTV.

step three, if that did not work, throw your phone towards the guy. That should kill the guy instantly.

2) A person is smoking near you.

This is a very fatal EP. By being near a person who is smoking, you are actually smoking, but second-handedly. By smoking second-handedly, you will make the guy beside you smoke third-handedly. Thus, the guy who is standing beside the guy beside you is smoking fourth-handedly.

To solve this problem...

step one, choke yourself, then shout "help help, I cant breathe!!!"

step two, act dead, lie down on the floor and dont breathe. Continue doing this until you die.

step three, after you die, stand up and this will give a signal to the smoker to stop smoking.

3) You see Mas Selamat and you do not have a phone to call the police.

Mas Selamat escaped from a detention center a few weeks ago. This means that he could be anywhere and everywhere. When you see him...

Shout: I am Ahmad but not Mas Selamat.

Then you bend your left leg and start walking as if you are limping on your left leg.

By this time, he will think that he is looking at his twin, approach him slowly and return the $5 you owe him. Say bye bye.

4) You see Jay Chou.

Jay Chou is a very talented guy. He can act as a singer and actually lip-sync without any errors. If you are in Taiwan, you will see him a lot of times. The reason is because many people want to look like him or simply because he can teleport between two places like Kadabra in Pokemon. Anyway, he really look like Kadabra, but Kadabra look nicer and can actually bend spoon.

If you see Jay Chou,

1) Shout the name "Hebe Tian" loudly.
2) At this point in time, he will be running to you like a monkey because he is very angry.
3) Then, take out Maxim (Taiwanese version) and throw it at him.
4) The Maxim magazine will hit his face.

Okay, fine, abrupt ending of this post. If I dont stop dwelling on this post, I will never stop.

Will be attending an "Adam Khoo" workshop from Monday to Wednesday as a school activity. I may post on it. MAY. I re-read this post and it is not really funny, so I decided to abandon this post and publish it. Do comment heavily on it. Thank you.

Why Smoking Is Bad.

2008-03-26T19:17:00.008+08:00

THIS IS NOT THE LAST POST, DO NOT LISTEN TO RUMOURS.

Prescript: I actually re-read this post to identify any grammar errors I made. I found about four.

The webmaster of http://fiqo.blogspot.com condemns the act of smoking and that no smoking shall take place in this blog.

Smoking is a practice where a substance, most commonly tobacco is burned and inhaled or tasted. I wonder why many people love smoking. Questions by questions run through my mind every single time I see someone wasting money on cigarettes. But we are not here to ask questions.

We are here to answer them.

1) How can someone be tempted to start smoking?

There are many factors that contribute to the temptation of smoking, these include pen sucking, blowing powder and bad influence. To date, pen sucking is the major cause of why people, especially pupils, start smoking.

Pen Sucking? But why...

Here is an experiment that can enable you to understand:

Things you need:
1) Pen
2) Is
3) Cigarette
4) Lighter
5) A camera, probably Nikon. (This phrase is brought to you by...Nikon - Google Ads)
6) Penis

First step, throw away the penis, you do not need it.

Second step, carry the pen using three fingers, with careful precision, place the pen into your mouth. Take a picture and you will get something like this:-

If you see the picture carefully, you will realize that the pen is NOT IN HIS MOUTH. If this happens, throw the pen and buy a longer pen. This is to make the pen longer so that the pen will enter your mouth.

Third step, take the cigarette, set the cigarette on fire, then, place the burning part of the cigarette into your mouth, this will burn your mouth, but dont worry, your saliva will extinguish the fire. Then, take a picture of yourself. It will look something like this:

Now...COMPARE AND CONTRAST. Do they look similar?

1) Of course
2) Yes
3) Duh
4) All of the above

Answer: All of the answers. (If pupil choose 5, he is a smoker.)

Yes, looks like I have answered my own question. As you can infer, a pupil is a person that lives in a classroom and goes home once in a while to eat and sleep. There are many pen suckers in school, most notably, Rain and Jay Chou. When they are outside the school, they are unable to suck a pen. To act as a substitute, they use a cigarette (that costs S$12/pack) to satisfy their temptation.

2) Why do people smoke?

People continue smoking because of many reasons. Some reasons include: pregnancy, emo-ism and peer influence. Much of the reason is influence, usually from their peers. Peers, or what we call "friends" are people whom we know, trust and borrow money from. They owe you 4 dollars.

Peers are sources of encouragement. Phrases such as "You can do it!" and "I am eating hot dogs!" push the human mind further towards extremes, towards things that we cannot achieve without the mental push peers give. But with bad influence, the world turns upside-down. They use codes to trick you into smoking.

Quiz 1:

Which of these phrases are codes to make you smoke?

1) Hey, want to make clouds?
2) Do you want to waste your time studying or smoke so that your can future can be secured?
3) Do you want to make forest fires?
4) Differentiate dA/dX with respect to X. HENCE, find the gradient of the curve at point X=3.2

Answer: None of the above.

How can we stop smoking?

a) Take all the cigarettes you have and break it into HALF
b) Throw the halves into the nearest rubbish bin
c) Break the bin into half.

What Is Happening Today

Pupils rush down to meet their friends and to have good smoking sessions. Most of the time, their parents will not be aware of their smoking habit, until the pupils die of thirst. You may already know this but Jay Chou does not.

Part 2 of the Mas Selemat Series: How is he able to survive this long?

2008-03-15T17:24:00.000+08:00

Name: Mas Selamat Bin Kastari
Gender: Male
Sex: Male
IC number: Undisclosed
Birthday: 1 April 1992
Job: Terrorist
Blowjob: Three times.
Height: Very short
BMI: 25.6
Race: We are not racist.
Blood type: Red
Hobby: Limping on his left leg
Ambition: A better terrorist
Goals in life: None
CCA: TAF club

Many Singaporeans are still baffled. Why is Mas Selamat still alive? He is supposed to be dead by now, but his corpse is nowhere to be found! That means that he is still alive, duh. But the question is HOW is he able to survive this long? Let us find out.

Money

1) Busking at Orchard

To earn money, he goes around with his guitar and play terrorist songs such as: "We are dead", "Let us die together" and "Bombing is fun". How has he managed to keep his identity? He use Transition lenses. When there is a policeman near him, the lenses will turn to BLACK, but when there is none, it will be crystal clear.

2) Begging

Begging is by far the fastest and easiest way to get money. You can beg from your father, mother, sister, friend or even from other beggars. Begging requires almost no talent, no skill and no effort. The only thing you need is a very thick skin (in literary terms) and a money holder which can come in any form: Bowls, bottles, hands, other people's hands and even an EZ-Link card that can store monetary value.

Clothes

1) He wears hot pants

You must be asking me why the hell will be wearing hot pants.

But first, let me explain what "hot pants" refers to. It refers to a long pants that is made shorter by half. THEN, a guy will cut the "half" into another half. THEN, the girl or Mas Selamat will cut the already halved half long pants by a few inches. The result will be a hot pants.

Anyway, back to the topic.

The reason why he wears hot pants is because hot pants require significantly less material to manufacture. This means that instead of having 1 long trousers, he can have FOUR hot pants. These will last him four times as long.

Also, another good thing about hot pants is that his movement will not be as restricted as how it will be if he wore long trousers. Do note that it is indecent and disgusting for a girl or Mas Selamat to wear a hot pants as the amount of skin exposed is more than the amount of litter left behind by a tourist in Afghanistan.

Keeping his Identity

1) Use a mask and walk around.

Yes, without a mask, EVERYONE will know that he is Mas Selamat. But, with a mask, no one knows his identity. He can go into a shop, buy donuts and eat the donuts without hindrance. He can rob a bank, kill someone, then goes out of the bank and change his mask into another mask, and his identity will still be kept secret.

Smart people (people other than you) will ask me: But he is limping on his left leg, surely, someone will notice it, so how is he going to still keep his identity safe?

My answer...

2) Use a mask and ride a bicycle.

When you ride a bicycle, you cannot limp on your left leg. These are the pros and cons of using a bicycle when you are supposed to be limping on your left leg.

Pros

The public will not recognize you.
You dont have to limp on your left leg.
It is faster to cycle.

Cons

Since you cant really use your left leg, you will lose your balance and fall.
It will then result in BOTH of your leg limping.
Then, it is slower to walk with both of your leg limping.

_______________________________

What you have read may be nonsense but a Jemaah Islamiah Leader escaping from prison is not.

If you see him or even someone that looks like him, call 999 immediately.

My Lucky Attempt At Kicking

2008-03-03T22:42:00.001+08:00

This was recorded on Jonathan's phone during the December 07' holidays (or so I thought). We found a trolley outside the court, so I brought it in to use it as alternative goal which is more difficult to score at. But I managed to score at my second attempt and the ball bounced out after going in.

Lucky me.

Part 1 of the Mas Selemat Series: How are they going to find him?

2008-03-01T19:42:00.009+08:00

What the hell.

In the recent Prison Break episode (always "first" on Channel 5), a Jemaah Islamiah leader escaped from the Singapore Detention Center. Many viewers were stunned. Why is such an interesting episode made up? Isnt Prison Break supposed to be a boring serial drama where a guy escaped a prison by bribing an officer US$50? No, this is one the most anticipated Prison Break episode ever, winning 3 Grammy awards and 5 Oscars.

In this episode, Jemaah Islamiyah (JI) detainee Mas Selamat bin Kastari escaped from the Whitley Road Detention Centre at 4:05 pm on 27 Feb 2008. Mas Selamat was the leader of the Singapore JI network. He walks with a limp and is presently at large. He is not known to be armed. Extensive police resources have been deployed to track him down.

Viewers were stunned again. Who was the actor? Is it Britney Spears non-bald version? Is it Jay Chou? Here, the webmaster of fiqo.blogspot.com interviews him:-

Fiqo: Are you the fugitive?
Jay Chou: I am a singer, not a fugitive.
Fiqo: Is your nickname Mas Selamat?
Jay Chou: No, duh.
Fiqo: Why?
Jay Chou: My mother, Ms Chou, didn't like the name. She actually wanted to name me "Jay walk", but a group of really-desperate girls protested against it.
Fiqo: That is really unfortunate. Ok, bye, I do not want to see your face anymore. Anyway, there are a lot of really-desperate girls behind you now.

The episode employed extreme advertising. One of these was to really make the whole of a nation think that a terrorist has escaped from a local prison. Many posters were put up around Singapore to tell viewers when the episode will be broadcasted.

These are some places where he could really be hiding.

1) In a girls toilet.

A female toilet usually consists of three cubicles, no urinals, 5 sinks, a very long queue and a group of girls. If he is inside a girl's toilet, no policeman will go in to find him, this is because he is a boy and usually the policemen themselves are males, so they cant go in.

2) Inside a prison.

He escaped from prison. So, no one will search the prisons for him. Thus, by hiding in a prison while escaping from prison, he can avoid any form of suspicion by any person in Singapore. That is the prove.

3) In his house.

After a tiring walk from the prison, he will take a 198 bus home using his EZ-Link which has a concession pass for buses. Then, he will take his key from his wallet, go into his house, and sleep. See the logic?

Yes, I will not tell you anymore about this episode. Watch it on Channel 5.

____________________________________

What you have read may be nonsense but a Jemaah Islamiah Leader escaping from prison is not.

If you see him or even someone that looks like him, call 999 immediately.

Valentine's Day.

2008-02-06T16:04:00.002+08:00

On this day, many crushes will be crushed.

As in, on this day, many couples will be created. From all walks of life, nerdy, sexy, show-off, bossy or shitty people, all of these people will stead or marry today. The amount of shotgun steads created on this day will be prodigiously huge. It is amusing to see students so young and innocent yet their skirts are as high as the World Trade Centre that was collapsed when three planes accidentally hit the buildings.

Why is this day so special?

No, it is not special. It is not a public holiday nor it is a school holiday. Worse still, I have an English supplementary lesson on this day. How exasperating. Not many people know what Valentine's Day is all about, that includes me. All they do is give gifts to their darlings and honeys and girls and say: "Happy Valentine's Day". Some do not even know that is spelt as "Valentine's" and not "Valentines".

Yes, it makes a good excuse to give something to someone you really like on this day. A convenient excuse (or "reason"), I shall say. The thing about this day is that it may not be so special for your loved one after all. You may be giving her something, but three/four/five other people may also be giving her/him something. This will dilute the effect that you want to give to her/him.

I know. I am being extremely utilitarian. But...life is a rollercoaster.

My school is selling roses at a price to the students. Why roses? Roses will wither and die a horrible death, probably thrown into a disposal or the petals will slowly detach, giving the rose a slow and painful death. Roses are impractical. Look at it, is there anything that we can do to it that will make it useful? You cant replant it, we are in Singapore, we dont have enough land. Also, do you know that roses have thorns that can kill? Do you want to be convicted for murder? Obviously not. So why are you giving your loved ones roses!!!

Chocolate? Chocolate is a great source of fats and one bar of chocolate with 50 percent cocoa will give you the same amount of bad fats a McSpicy burger will provide. You certainly would not want your girlfriend to be an avoirdupois* (another word for overweight, it sounds nicer and no one knows what it means).

Ok, thats all there is for this week.

School is overwhelmingly overwhelming.

Another New Year has Arrived

2008-02-05T20:07:00.000+08:00

This is the continuation for the Grammy award-winning post on Chinese New Year last year.

Here is the link to the previous post: Link 1

Year after year, people from around the world, mainly the Chinese, celebrates what they call the "Chinese New Year". Many of these people are superstitious, but, that is wrong. They are not superstitious, they are being practical. Sweeping the floor, opening of the windows, etc is actually useful before Chinese New Year.

1) Opening windows and/or doors is considered to bring in the good luck of the new year.

Duh! Of course. When you open the windows and doors, rich people such as Bill Gates are able to enter your house and give you money. They will also give you an Xbox360 along with Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball 2 and a three month subscription to Xbox Live. If the doors are closed...how the heck are these people going to give you good luck?

2) Sweets are eaten to ensure the consumer a "sweet" year.

If you eat sweets, your year would be "sweet". This pattern also leads to many other truths. If you eat Fish Curry, you will get a "Fish Curry" year. So, when Chinese New Year is coming, do not eat anything else but SWEETS.

3) Some believe that what happens on the first day of the new year reflects the rest of the year to come. Asians will often gamble at the beginning of the year, hoping to get luck and prosperity.

Yes, what you do on the first day of the year will reflect the rest of the year to come. When Asians gamble at the beginning of the year, they get luck and prosperity. This also means that they will be gambling for 365 days straight without stopping, as they gambled on the first day of the year.

4) Buying a pair of shoes is considered bad luck amongst some Chinese. The word "shoes" is a homophone for the word for "rough" in Cantonese, or "evil" in Mandarin.

Also, buying clothes will also bring bad luck because the word "clothes" is a homophone for the word for "your-mother-die". When you buy clothes during the New Year, your mother will die.

5) Sweeping the floor is usually forbidden on the first day, as it will sweep away the good fortune and luck for the new year.

Instead, you should VACUUM the floor during the first day as it will COLLECT the good fortune and good fortune will be literally STORED in the VACUUM BAG. When you need good fortune, OPEN THE VACUUM BAG and the good fortune will COME OUT.

Then, eat the good fortune.

6) "Avoid clothes in black and white, as black is a symbol of bad luck, and white is a traditional funeral colour."

Learnt in primary 6, black surfaces is a good absorber of heat. When you wear black, there will be enough heat in the cloth to actually burn it and does, all your family members will die. Including you. Also, don not wear white. White surfaces are good reflectors of heat. When you reflect heat to your friends, your friends will catch fire, instantly killing them. Certainly.

7) Give oranges to your relatives.

Oranges looks like balls. Balls look like...you-know-what, it is the "thing" in between a man's legs. By giving oranges to your relatives, you are assuring them that they have balls and they can reproduce WITH THE HELP OF A FEMALE. As in the case for females, just give them a banana.

___________________

Alright, that is all for this year. Tune in next year for more!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone.
___________________

The Chinese New Year practices here are taken from wikipedia.org. Everything after the first sentence of every point is mine.

What causes rain.

2008-01-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the total lack of updates. Busyness have taken over my senses. Homework, badminton sessions, soccer, school, lack of sleep is being thrown onto me like water coming from rain...

Rain is water coming from space. Space as you know is black and murky. It seems as if there is nothing inside. BUT THERE IS WATER. Water is transparent on Earth because there is light. In space, there is zero light. Light cannot bounce off the water molecule and into our eyes. But, there are many theories that contradict or are against this idea or are totally different from this idea.

1) Splash Theory of Mozart

Mozart, the great actor, who usually takes the role of a musician, believes that rain is caused by the SLASHING action of a river. As you know, a river is a canal made by the government that flows downwards towards a water body. The movement of water causes the water to splash and this splashes is so strong that is splashed over the country and fall as rain.

2) Theory of the Inconsideration of Close Entities.

The name is profound. But dont be fooled by it. This theory is devised by Rain, the person who always pretend to sing. All it means is that your neighbour or any person near you is spitting water out of his or her mouth. This causes a great amount of water to fall onto you. This gives rain.

3) Sweat Theory

This is a short and simple theory. First, you run. Second, you sweat. Third, because you are stupid and retarded, you thought that the sweat on your body is rain. This theory is created by the President of the United States of America.

4) Urination of a FEMALE

The next paragraph will be a bit disgusting and perverted. Those who are religious, scared of spiders and loves Jay Chou, should not read the next paragraph. (which is DAMN exciting and you should read it, but then, you shouldn't. ) (Seriously! The next paragraph rocks!)

Male have an aiming apparatus that they can use to control their flow of excretion. They can move it left and right, up and down, diagonal, inverted, behind, backwards, you name it, MALES have done it. BUT, females are a totally different human species. Their parents forget to give them the apparatus, and boys do all sort of stuffs with the absence of it. Thus, when FEMALES try to urine, they usually lose their aim and spray the excretion everywhere around the world.

(Was that good?)

This is the rain. This rain is usually called "drizzle", since there is little water falling from the "sky".

Now, do you feel enlightened?

Stickman cures boredom.

2008-01-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

Study camp was...well...

It is not a "camp". No sleepovers, no ice breaker games, no field cooking. You name it, we didnt do it. It is an event where hordes of students gather around to study together as a cohort. It is less stressful than a normal school day, but still it is boring. This is a life of a secondary 4 student.

To entertain myself, I drew stick man fighting each other using weapons and other such armory in a waging war. I love the concept of war, shooting enemies, holding a gun. Yes, war is unnecessary but you cant deny the fun of actually holding a rifle and shooting at others!

I drew my cartoons using a pink pen. Pink is a nice colour. It is associated with girls so you may be calling me a "sissy" or "wussy" but I like girls, which means I like pink. Get it?

These are the cartoons that I drew on the pieces of paper that were given by the officials:-

It is a widely accepted assumption that pupils that are not looking at the teacher or at the board is not paying attention. Yes, it may appear that the pupils are not paying attention but they have ears to listen. Assuming that the lesson do not require my to write, listening to the speaker may be boring and may put me into a state of day dreaming. By drawing the stick man cartoons, I can still be able to draw the cartoons WHILE listening to the teacher consciously. This is the concept that many human beings fail to realize.

After writing this and reading my previous posts, I can say that I write my post with quite a high level of maturity. Why do I say this? Well, most blog writers that are in my age group who writes about school and teachers dont give an explanation that justifies their thoughts. Typical sentences are:-

1) I HATE my bio teacher. I mean like, shes a BITCH! Fark larh. I hate school, hate the people there.

2) Life is boring. School sux!

(These are not quotes from another blog, I wouldn't want to get involved in their affairs.)

In fact, I look more matured in my blog than in real life. In real life, I go around disturbing others such as the new batch of students in my school. It is not bullying, I dont physically disturb them or anything. I usually say "sorry" or "just kidding" and out of the blue, I become their new found friend.

That is all. I cant believe I went out of topic. It was supposed to be about stickmen cartoons.

The Fatal Consequences of English Errors

2008-01-17T17:39:00.000+08:00

We live in a country where English is ever so important. If you fail English, you fail half of the whole examination. This is because with the absence of English literacy, you cannot read this blog. There are many cases where the lack of English can endanger someone:-

-----
Scenario 1.

You approach your friend, a girl, pretty faced with no visible pimples on her face at a range of 2 metres. You wanted to give her a card. Yesterday was your examinations and this girl wished you good luck. You passed the examinations with flying colours. You wanted to thank her for giving her luck to you.

She opened the letter and read:-

"Yesterday was really good. Did it with no pain, no blood and I enjoyed it since it was so easy. All these is because of your good fuck."

-----

See what I meant? A single spelling error can make a whole lot of difference in a person's life. At the point of writing, this girl is still tearing the card into atom-sized pieces.

---

Scenario 2.

You like a girl. A very pretty girl. And again you wrote a letter but this time it is not on paper but in an SMS. Happily, you typed out your feelings. You also started to write a poem as you feel that it will make the message look more romantic...

"The pretty coconut trees sway,
Meeting up with you is never a chore,
It is thereby so easy to say,
That you look as beautiful as the sea whore."

-----

Yes, it is understood that on a standard QWERTY keyboard the letters "W" and "S" are dangerously close to each other. But on a phone, the distance and actions to press the two separate letters are very distanced. Thereby, this guy was stupid.

-----

The consequences are far worse than the first scenario. The girl will most probably throw her cell phone and a cell phone is about a million times heavier than a piece of card. When the cell phone reaches it's victim, the cell phone will break into pieces and the pieces will break into pieces which in turn...you get what I mean?

In Singapore, where construction works are scattered almost everywhere we go, notices regarding the blockage of a usual path will spring up everywhere. It is...the popular "Sorry for the inconvenience." sign. As you can see, "inconvenience" is a very long word. Consisting of 13 letters and 6 different alphabets, it takes a lot of skill to spell it out. Only a person that has an education of secondary 2 or higher can spell it.

Anyway, do you realize that it is very inconvenient to type "inconvenient"? This is a conspiracy made by the Government of the United States of America. Also, the movie: "An Inconvenient Truth." is about how inconvenient it is to spell the word "inconvenient".

Anyway, spot the mistake:-

What about condoms?

2008-01-12T15:36:00.000+08:00

This post contains content that may not be viewed by a minor. If youre below the age of 18, please go to http://www.hellokitty.com.

Disclaimer can be read at: link

I was watching MTV one day when I noticed an increase in condom advertisements all over it. The idea is that many people who go to clubs, bars, etc watch MTV and using MTV as a medium to advertise condom (usage) would be effective. I should call it "promote" not "advertise".

Condoms are usually made with latex. They are used in many applications, but the most obvious one is probably right up in your mind.

Condoms are sold in 7-11s throughout Singapore. They are placed NEAR THE counter. The reason was not obvious until a teacher of mine showed me (and the class) a video of a stand-up comedian making people laugh. Duh.

It mentioned that people buying condoms will "go buy a Mentos and a newspaper" and approach the counter hoping that it will look natural. If you go to a nearby 7-11, you will notice that the cashier is extremely close to the condom cabinet a.k.a. condom heaven. The reason is "convenience". Certainly, you dont want to be seen walking to the back of the shop, choosing a flavour (Yes, flavour of a condom. Some people consume condoms. Not me.), then reaching out, grab the condom and returning to the counter and saying, "I am in a rush, dont ask me any question, how much is this?".

"That will be $10.95, do you need a plastic bag for your CONDOMS?"

Dont get me wrong, I dont hate condoms. I dont love them either. I have never bought them or used them (haha). Condoms are used for grown-ups. In Singapore, everyone can buy some. Its cheaper that cigarettes. BUT, you will be faced with tough questions, such as:

"Kid, why do you want to buy these? There are balloons behind there, there is no need to use these."

Possible reply: "Its not for that."

"Are you buying these for your father or yourselves?"

Possible reply: "My father."

Condoms are seen as a sensitive and disgusting topic to be discussed. It includes conservative adults and immature children (and teenagers). I can guesstimate that some of my readers now are thinking, "Why is the webmaster writing this?" or "Tomorrow, I will see him and talk to him about this.". Understand that condoms have saved many lives in Africa and anywhere in the world.

But seriously, I dont encourage the use of it. Rather then try to risk pregnancy or the infection of evil micro-organisms such as HIV, dont do it at all. Duh. HIV dont fly around in the air, you wont get it till you "do it". The next time you see someone buying them, run to him, take a badminton racket, book a court at a nearby stadium, call your friends, and play badminton. As in, punch his face.

In case youre wondering, I wrote this article because of a recent incident between me and a condom. I was walking to a bus stop after playing badminton with my friend, when I notice a dead condom lying on a patch of grass. I asked the condom some questions, it didnt reply. Of course. So I fished out my cell phone and took a picture of it.

It looks like a balloon. But its not.

Britney lost custody of her child?! (and other random things)

2008-01-07T20:10:00.001+08:00

Britney Spears, a female, lost custody of her child a few days ago. This was because Britney had a "drug-and-alcohol-fueled lifestyle." After hearing this, I felt very sad that my PSP wasn't charged fully. Anyway, Britney Spears smsed me, stating that she wanted her TWO sons back:-

"Hey, fiqo, I want my sons back...what should I do?! I dont agree that my ex-husband deserves the child!"

My reply was short and simple:-

"If I insert a coin into a vending machine, and a can pops out, does the can belongs to me or the vending machine?"

After that, she didnt reply. Probably because she didnt top up her prepaid card. This sort of things happen to many celebrities (not the prepaid part).

I do agree that the media creates a mountain out of a molehill. If a normal person, let us say a woman in her 30s lose custody of her children, no one will write a report and publish this on a newspaper or even the internet (maybe except for the Newpaper)(or stompers). This alone made me not want to be a celebrity. I dont want to walk around with cameras that are taking a video or picture of me (while I am walking!??!?!?). Worse still, I dont want my pictures to be taken secretly.

ENTER Paparazzi

Paparazzi are damn irritating. They love to take candid photos of celebrities, often shadowing the celebrities in their private life. Get a life. Taking candid pictures of Britney Spears is not the way! Even though she sucks, she went to NS and shaved her head, she deserves her privacy when she needs it.

ENTER Stomp.sg

This website inevitably encourages the act of taking photos or videos without the apparent victim's knowledge. What this people will do is that they will write a stupid and childish complaint. An example:-

-------

A Secondary 4 student said his teacher hit him on his head with an exercise book during a Maths lesson.

In an email to STOMP on Jan 5, the student said this happened on Jan 4.

"I was in the midst of doing my assignment in class and the teacher came over to the front of the classroom where I was seated," he said.

"She pointed out the solution to a question which I was doing, but the next moment, she used an exercise book, which she was holding in her hand, to hit my head. The impact was hard.

"Now, I did not question or talk back to her for fear of raising her hackles."

The STOMPer hopes that teachers in Singapore will think twice about hitting students.

"Teachers in Singapore are not allowed to hit their students physically, except for punishable offences that are very serious in nature.

"I strongly believe that this is a rule that is set by the Ministry of Education regarding discipline in schools," he said.

-------

Just take a book and smack her head larh! Even though it is against the law to do that, it is fun.

Bah.

Spiderman

2008-01-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

One day, there was...Spiderman. Spiderman is a person who is bitten by a spider. This type of people can move very fast. When they move very fast, they can move at the speed of light, but when they want to slow, they must "pause" themselves. This is called:-

"Menopause."

The act of webs flying out of the wrist is not actually from the spider. Its a result of wrist cutting, something most emotional people such as Bill Gates do. Wrist cutting opens up a hole near the hands, when you use you fingers to press the wound, blood will gush out, this is the "web". This is a testimonial from a girl who started cutting her wrist:-

"I started cutting when I was 14. It was fun, I could swing from building to building. But one day, I cut too deep that I accidentally cut my bones and I had to go to the hospital as I fractured my bone.

Now, I stopped wrist cutting, but started wrist-stabbing. Its better to stab the wrist than to cut it. I use screwdrivers...dildos...sticks...whatever I can find."

This isnt rare in modern society, as there is a great increase in the availability of knifes, especially during Home Economics in a typical Singaporean school. There are many cases where a person is accidentally murdered because a friend of theirs wanted to help to stab his friend's wrists, but did it too hard.

There are some skeptics about the spiderman theory. They reasoned that why will a man change to spiderman but a snake biting a man would not change a person to snakeman? This question was discussed during the UNCCC, which stands for "United Nations Climate Change Conference".

Bush wasnt happy about this. But nobody really cares.

Change of topic.

Mcdonald's was sued for littering near a bus stop at West Coast Road. They denied the accusations, but the judge said that their name "Mcdonald's" was written everywhere.

Happy Birthday Everyone.

2008-01-01T07:30:00.000+08:00

Hello. Welcome me back.

It has been a long time.

School is starting like...tomorrow? Didnt expect it to come so early and so fast. Like what everyone say: "Time flies". Damn cliche'. My holiday is basically: Badminton, Soccer and my usual walk-around at the "city", with badminton taking the most time. I like badminton a lot, really. It is like I am having a huge crush on it.

Also, I heard from many that Miss Loh Vicki...is gone. My god. One of my favourite teachers is gone. Will miss her random rants and "mass conversations" with the class, something she does everytime she goes out of topic. She is damn friendly larh. Ok? (or maybe its just because I am not in choir, haha)

The best thing that can happen tomorrow is the previous paragraph not coming true.

____________________________________

Back to topic.

There are many celebrations that are observed on this planet. Some are popular, celebrated by many and in some cases, those who are "not supposed to celebrate" them also celebrate them. Some celebrations are isolated and only a few dozen celebrate them, an examples is your birthday.

Celebrations are considered important to the human race. It gives us an excuse to not go to school and also strengthen bonds between people, sometimes, literally. Well, you get what I mean.

Your Birthday.

Yup, this is exactly 9 months after your parents are married.

For this celebration, people say "happy birthday" to the intended person, without really knowing what they are doing. They are assuming that someone's birthday is a happy occasion. But in most cases, its not.

Well, you see. On the day they are born, they must push them self out from the "place of womb" through a hole created by the baby. This process is very painful and annoying, as the nurse will be shouting in pain for unknown reasons. After that, the nurse will take out a knife and cut a tube jutting out from the belly. Directly after this, they are wrapped in towel and stored for a few days. A few days later, they will be given chocolate breast milk, worse, they cant choose who to get it from.

One year later, your parents will buy you a cake, stab a candle into the body of the cake and light the candle up with naked flame. Then, they will carry you up and force you to blow the candle. They are just finding trouble. First, they light the candle, then they force you to blow the candle (not blowjob, guys). The next year, they will light TWO candles and tell you to blow them in one breath.

58 years later, your grandchildren will light 60 candles and tell you to blow them all with one breath. And that point of time, you should take a fire extinguisher, extinguish all the fire, and smash your grandchildren's head with the extinguisher.

HELLO?! How the hell are you going to blow 60 candles in one breath? Not only it is a fire hazard, but it will melt the cake and the fumes from the candles will contribute to global warming.

Therefore, I conclude, Birthdays are bad.

All this, just to say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

(without the unnecessary glitter).

(and foam)

(and "spider webs")

2007-12-20T13:41:00.000+08:00

This post is NOT crap. Do not say that this post is boring. I am just being sporting. This happens when Vanessa KOH sabotage me and when I am bored.

List the top 5 presents you wished for:
(Honestly, I dont really wish for any presents.)
1) More Badminton Matches
2) More Halo 3 Multiplayer Matches
3) More Soccer Matches
4) More Halo 2 Multiplayer Matches
5) More Halo 1 Multiplayer Matches

1. The person who tag you is: Vanessa KOH

Pass this quiz to 10 people you wish to know how they feel about you:

1) United Nations Climate Change Conference members
2) Vanessa KOH
3) Jonathan NEVILLE
4) Jun Jie TAN
5) Jing Jie TAN
6) Norman AU
7) Xueyi GOH
8) Ahmad Syafiq
9) Edward MAK
10) CLT Ashraf

1. Who is 6 having a relationship with: Zandra
2. Is 9 a female or a male: Female
3. If 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing: The difference in height is one thing. Everything else is another.
4. What is 2 studying about: Singapore syllabus for Sec 2
5. When was the last time you have a chat with 3: Badminton match
6. What kind of music band does 8 likes: Britney Spears, Ashlee Simpson, etc
7. Does 1 have any sibilings: No, they hate the United States
8. Would you woo 3: Jonathan? Can, of course. Provided he start hating netball girls.
9. How about 7: Her boyfriend will punch my face.
11. What is the surname of 5: Idiot
12. What is the name of 10: CLT Ashraf
13. What is the hobby of 4: Wasting his time on DOTA, not wasting time on anything else.
14. Does 5 and 9 get along well: Neutral.
15. Where is 2 studying at: Commonwealth Sec
16. Where is 9 staying now: Why are you asking me that question?
17. What colour does 4 likes: What?
18. Are 5 and 1 best friends: Impossible
19. Does 7 likes 2: Yes, they go out almost everyday
20. Does 1 have any pets at home: Maybe

Random

2007-12-14T16:28:00.001+08:00

Just a piece of homework I initially wanted to hand in. But I didnt, fortunately.

Hiatus

2007-12-06T18:53:00.001+08:00

Due to the webmaster's busy schedule during the December holidays,

this blog will be dead till Jan 1st.

Thank you.

Sorry for the lack of entertainment.

Why we can drink cow milk and not woman milk.

2007-11-29T11:09:00.000+08:00

(This post is very explicit. Parental guidance is advised. Counseling may be required after reading this post. Proper medicine could help.)

(This post is rated: M18)

The long lost question: Why can we drink cow milk but not woman milk?

This is a question given to me by a fiqo.blogspot.com reader that wanted all the facts about the difference between cow and woman. This is the email he sent to me:-

" I am very bored at home. Currently, I am watching animal planet. They are doing some kind weird milking with goats and cows and the host said that it tasted so good! I have a friend, who is a girl, and everytime I asked for her breast milk, she slapped me. The teacher sent me to the principal. I thought that she sent me there so I can get the principal's breast milk, but when I asked the principal for it, she sent me to public caning.

Is it because their milk has a very bad taste? "

My reply was:-

" No, it is because you are very insensitive. But I will still answer your question. "

Here it goes.

1) Cows cannot speak English.

When you milk a cow, the cow cannot say anything to you. The cow simply cannot speak English! (or spanish, or indonesian, or italian, or chinese, or japanese (who cannot cook), or the malay language) Even if the cows want to insult your mother, your father, your children, all they can say are:-

"Moo."

"Moo!"

"Moo....."

"Moo?"

"Http://fiqo.blogspot.com"

But, female humans can speak English. When you milk them, they will spurt out a variety of words ranging from "You are" to "an idiot". The female species is a very interesting species. They are like cats. They make a lot of noise. Here is an example of a group of females that makes a lot of noise:-

2) We cannot touch them.

It is of maximum immorality to milk a female. We all know it. They call it "molestation".

But when we milk cows, they call it "milking".

This is the controversy sparked by famous doctor, Rain. He said that everything that looks the same must be given the same title. Technically, "studying" and "torture" has the same meaning, but given different words as they apply to different people. "Studying" is the act of torture to students while "torture" simply refers to everyone studying.

The reason that he(rain) expose his chest during every single show that he conducts is that he wants to show that everyone can milk him.

3) Criticisms

Some people criticise that only babies should drink human milk. Babies are the first stage of the growth of a human being. Rain, who was once a baby, argued that babies are just normal human beings, except that they can only cry and that they are very small in size.

Rain is currently singing in a stadium.

Bald?

2007-11-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

I dont understand why people want themselves to have no hair. As such, I went around asking others what their view on bald-ism is. There are many reasons why people are bald.

1) National Service

When men go to national service, they have to pull all their hair outs. This is done because of a number of reasons:-

a) They will not be distracted by their hair

How will someone get distracted by their own hair? Their supposed hairstyle! If a guy have a mohawk for his regular hairstyle, his hands would be meddling with his hair most of the time, instead of reloading his SAR-21 or cooking his grenade. Imagine, during National Day 2008, a guy in the parade takes out his beret and start applying Gatsby Wax on his hair...the president would take out his gun and shoot him straight away.

b) Hair produces dandruff

Do you know why companies such as Gatsby and Onelook exists? And why they are not at a shut down point? The reason is: they produce dandruff and dandruff is contagious, thus many people such as girls buy their products, giving them profit.

This is a picture of a girl:-

2) Britney Spears

Not long ago, Britney Spears, a girl, which is not a boy, was depressed. This made her go to a barber and she shaved almost all her hair out. Then, Britney Spears fan from all over the world shaved their hair to cosplay themselves to become Britney Spears. This is similar to people, mostly Japanese (who dont know how to cook), who dress themselves up to become a cartoon characters, such as Spongebob Squarepants.

In case you dont know, Britney Spears is an actor. Her main role in acting is to act like a singer.

3) Adaptation

It is a must in some countries, such as Iraq and Israel to be bald. Why? Because hair traps air, and air is a bad conductor of heat, and thus, there is less heat exchange with the surrounding. (The previous sentence is currently one of the few facts presented in this blog.) And this is what they all hate. That is why they shave their head bald.

Bald heads reflects heat more effectively than heads with hair. This is because hair is black, and black surfaces absorbs heat more effectively than other colours.

Also, Gatsby do not sell wax to these countries. This means that the guys there cannot make beautiful hairstyles and so they just bald themselves.

4) For a cookie.

There are many more reasons. They will be posted up as soon as I make up another one.

2007-11-21T10:06:00.001+08:00

This blog is on a three day hiatus.

The webmaster is currently attending his class chalet.

Thank you for visiting.

Read the archives if youre bored.

I strongly discourage you reading my 2005/2006 archives, they are simply my childish rants.

The Noose

2007-11-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

Watched "The noose" last week.

I didnt laugh for the first few minutes of the show, but I started laughing after that. I think Mediacorp has done a great job in making a show that is pure crap and pure lame. Many do not appreciate the art of lame and crap and making the scripts for the show is actually very difficult. You have to be brave to make a new type of show in Singapore, why? Everything in Singapore is just dramas, dramas, dramas and Singapore Idol.

Let me quote what a Singapore netizen said in a forum:-

"As I've promised myself I'm never going through another 30mins agony of watching this dumb program. I wouldn't know whats the next episode about.

But they've been airing the trailer of this program so much, with which I cannot avoid. I've been seeing the trailer for the next episode. There's this segment which they are toying with some coverage about 'doctors trying to amputate a patient's body, waist-down'.

I don't know what is this all about, but if they are creating a joke out of this, it is totally insensitive and cruel of Mediacorp and its producers. Whats the part about the "supposed patient not having to be drunk etc after the operation". Does Mediacorp and its producers of this program know that there are people born with this adverse birth defect and do not have lower half of their body? If given the choice, would they rather be born normal like all of us? How about people trying to deal with paralysis of their lower limbs, or even conjoined twins? If this is what their joke is about, IT IS NOT FUNNY!!! Mediacorp and the producers ought to be slapped in the face!!! That only proves Mediacorp is not socially responsible to its viewers and the public.

If they want to make a joke, why don't they cover issues like 1. The ridiculously HIGH minister's pay 2. The ever-increasing ERP which was supposedly to "regulate" traffic 3. The constant increase in utility bills 4. The Longevity Insurance 5. The government's contribution to global warming when they decided to make cars cheaper and entice families to have more than one car 6. GST, how much of what we have paid have gone into GST 7. Income tax, where did all these money go to 8. Even the poor choice of T.V programs from Mediacorp 9. The NKF issue and all other not-so-transparent Charity organisation 10. Victor Tang's advancement into LTR Finals... the list can go on... etc etc

Would they dare explore into these issues instead of conjuring up with some stupid accent and ridiculous humour???"

As you can see, this person took the show too seriously. COME ON, it is just a parody. I bet that if this show is hosted somewhere else other than Singapore, this person wouldn't mind the humour. But why so conservative when it comes to Singapore?

"Does Mediacorp and its producers of this program know that there are people born with this adverse birth defect and do not have lower half of their body?"

The joke is that people without the part of the body neck down would not be able to live, but, in the show, the person is able to live normally and happily. THATS THE JOKE. It is supposed to be sarcastic. And not supposed to be insulting to the "people born with this adverse birth defect and do not have lower half of their body".

Singaporeans should be less conservative. This of course, does not mean that girls should make their already-short skirts shorter or make their cleavage bigger. Less conservative in a psychological way, that is.

Ok, thats for today.

Vulgarities

2007-11-15T16:23:00.000+08:00

(This post is ABOUT vulgarities. There will certainly be vulgarities here and there, dont worry, it will not be intended for you.)

(Like I said, if you do not like vulgarities, do not read this post.)

Vulgarities are words that are insulting in anyway, or whatever you want it to be. I know that you know the meaning of it, so I wont explain the word any further.

There are many vulgarities in this planet, some of them includes:-

1) Fuck
2) Bitch
3) Asshole
4) KNNCCB

Let us go through each and every one of the examples given.

1) Fuck

This is one of the most popular vulgarity in the world. Used by students, teachers, parents, businessmen and even grandmothers. Fuck literally means: To have sex. But most people use it either for fun or because they know that the other party will be insulted by the mere word itself.

One of the reasons why the word is insulting is because of the way one will pronounce it. There are actually a lot of steps to pronounce the word "fuck".

Step 1) Say "fffffff"

Step 2) Say "far"

Step 3) Say "ark"

THREE steps is needed to say one word. This shows that people who use vulgarities are very fit and are able to speak very well in front of an audience.

This is an example on how to use the word "fuck":-

2) Bitch

"Bitch" usually refers to females. This is in accordance with my country's law, stating:-

"Section 1.77 of the Penal Code:

Any person stepping on this land will be liable to 5 days imprisonment if caught insulting a woman with the word "bitch". If he jumped before saying "bitch", then he will be innocent as he is not stepping on the land. Also, if he insult a man using the word "bitch", he will be told to use the word "gay", instead of "bitch"."

Here are a few pictures of well-known "bitches" all over the world:-

Based on my experiences with my friends, people call someone a "bitch" because the girl...

1) ...like to flirt
2) ...act cute
3) ...is ugly and takes picture of herself like a superstar

The word will usually result in a catfight; a fight between two girls.

_____________________________-

"asshole" and "KNNCCB" will be written in the next part of this post.

Thank you.

Scientific Questions Answered* (part 2)

2007-11-12T14:01:00.000+08:00

(I guess that after reading this and the part before this, most of you will be brainwashed and all of you will fail your science test.)

The world works based on a set of formulas, a set of rules, a set of regulations from whichever you believe:-

1) God
2) Nature in general
3) "It-is-like-that"

They are the ones who created the universe, but they dont want to let the world be in havoc, so? They make everything in the universe work in a set of rules, this makes the world more boring, at the same time, it makes Physics, Chemistry and Biology easier to be learnt.

So...

1) Why does the moon orbit around the Earth?

This is a very tough question, I guess. After a few hours of brain-cracking and viewing clips after clips of the moon rotating, I found the answer.

Do you watch soccer? Of course, everyone on Earth watched soccer. Watching David Beckham doing a free kick towards the goal, I watched the ball spinning on its own axis... Then, I zoomed out and saw the ball MOVING IN A CURVE!!! From there, I watch the moon spinning and saw the similarity. So, the answer to the question above it:-

"The moon orbits around Earth because it spins like a soccer ball and move in a curve."

2) I seem to have Menstruation once every month, what is it and how do I prevent the disease from coming back?

Menstruation is a disease spread by the aedes mosquito. Germs enter your bloodstream and eat up the veins, this will cause blood to gush out. The blood will then exit from your body via open holes.

All males are immune to this disease.

To prevent this disease, scientist have invented a device to stop the mosquitoes from biting you. The device is called KOTEX. Just wrapped the device around the areas infected and everything should be fine. This disease is so widespread that there are a lot of toilets who have proper bins for the disposal of these devices.

3) Are pimples bad?

Yes. They are bad.

To remove them, use your fingernails and scratch your face until the pimples are gone.

Pimples are an indication of chicken pox. If the pimples start to appear on your body, it is a confirmed case of chicken pox. Visit your nearest doctor and shout at his ears for help.

For Afiq, he do not have many oh-so-obvious pimples on his face. That is probably something he is happy about.